Official Bernard Schaffer Blog

In Honor of Losing My Job

2012-03-03T06:19:00.000-08:00

I decided to make Superbia free for one day only on Kindle to let everybody see exactly what all the fuss is about.
Dowload it, tell a friend, have them download it, hijack their address book and force all their closest friends and neighbors to download it, you get the idea.
See exactly what goes on in the entirely made-up (cough, cough. Sorry. Just came off the juice fast and still getting used to food again. Where was I?) make-believe world of suburban policing.

An End of Things

2012-03-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

I was removed from detectives today and ordered to return to patrol on Monday at 7 PM. Yeah....kind of saw that one coming.
Anyone who's read Superbia knows that I predicted it would end my career. Well, I'm still a police officer, but no more drug work and no more criminal investigations, aside from routine patrol duties. The accusation is that I revealed too much about actual drug work. If that involves a poem about sitting in a car, peeing into an empty coffee cup, so be it. But anyway, this is actually for the best.
No one can serve two masters.
I made my decision when I first started publishing that I was going all out. I reaffirmed that decision when I wrote Superbia, even though I knew (check the interviews here and here) that there would be fall out. Well, now it has happened.
So, the main question everyone is asking is how do I feel?
I feel like I can breathe again, to be honest. I feel like no one has control over me. You see, if someone gives you something, they can always take it away. Their sole power over you rests in their ability to hold that over your head. Once you stop snapping at the bait, they start looking for a new person to torment. I'll no longer be the Not-Even-Promoted Detective. I'll just be me. Plain ol' little regular unimportant me who happens to crank out a best-selling book that thousands of people read every once in a while.
And now, the gloves are really going to come off for Superbia II.
You see...a person has to either accept things as they are or be willing to face the consequences to enact change. I couldn't accept my circumstances any longer, and decided that I was going to be my own man, and own author, come what may. The may has come, and I'm still standing.
Now it's time for Round 2.
This is the offending video. Prepare to be AMAZED at the plethora of fantastic investigative secrets you can glean from it.

This is the book that started it all.

Codename: Omega Cover Art

2012-02-28T07:01:00.001-08:00

This is the cover art for the upcoming Codename: Omega novella, coming soon to Kindle for $2.99.
The cover design was by the great Keri Knutson, who is currently taking orders. She works quick, is extremely affordable, and has already done two covers for me. Email her at: jacypods@gmail.com.

Codename: Omega Teaser (The Apiary Society)

2012-02-27T18:28:00.001-08:00

Signs of an Insecure Author

2012-02-26T07:29:00.002-08:00

As an author and editor, I tend to have a lot of contact with writers of all shapes and sizes, from high-wattage legends to newbies. Each of them comes with their own strengths and weaknesses, quirks, and insecurities. Most of my friends aren't writers. I don't socialize with other writers. I wouldn't be caught dead at a writers symposium or summer retreat. Unless it was somewhere really nice. With a lot of hot chicks.
But let's stay on topic.
There are two tell-tale things insecure writers do that betray them. I see it a lot, and it was worth writing about here. If you are an insecure writer, that's okay. I've done both of the things I'm going to write about at various times in my life. I don't any longer.

1. Sending Out Work For Others To Review/Approve/Give Opinions On/ Grant Permission To BEFORE IT IS READY.
Nothing makes me crazier as an editor than getting a first-draft from someone who says, "Tell me if I'm on the right track with this." Let me put it this way, if you didn't think it was good enough to invest the time and attention in the piece, than why should I?
I get a lot of emails from authors asking me to "look over" or "take a look at" something they're working on, an unfinished piece of writing, that they want me to render an opinion on.
Here's my opinion:
Charles Bukowski said he never showed anything to anyone before it was finished because it let the air out of the tires. I agree. It is bad for a writer to send out incomplete works. If you get positive feedback, it might give you that quick little fix of delight that we all seek and make you less inspired to complete the task.
If you get negative feedback, you might abort a work that would have become something much greater if you'd only let it gestate and grow the way it is supposed to.
Writing a story is not a work-by-committee. You need to do the heavy lifting yourself, otherwise, you aren't training the muscles you need properly.
Lazy writers can also fall into this trap with an over-aggressive editor. You can get so used to the fact that no matter what you hand in, the editor is going to shred it to pieces, so you half-ass it anyway. Likewise, with over-stepping editors who tend to go in and re-write everything.
Note: I've been on both sides of this equation. In the early stages of Resistance Front, I was doing re-writing, not editing. It was only after that process was finished that I saw how detrimental it was to both parties.
Bottom line: Don't ask anybody to read anything until you are done. It's a sign of weakness, and you're better than that. If you aren't better than that, you aren't ready to sell your work.

2. Being Afraid of Harsh Criticism by an Editor.
I've said it before, I'll say it again. Your words aren't golden, sweetie. If you want to publish professionally then you need to find an editor who will tell you what sucks. If you can't handle that, you are too immature as a writer to consider publication. Period.
Think of the people who audition on American Idol or X-Factor, or anyone of those shows. Nine times out of ten, the judges are spot on. They say what the audience is probably saying to itself at that exact moment. You know who doesn't see it? The contestant. The contestant's mom. All the people who know and love the contestant telling them they are the next big thing.
Do you want to be that person?
Or do you want to be the person who is willing to work hard to get it right?
Let me tell you this much, I would rather hear it from an editor working for me than from a reviewer who spent $2.99 on my book and now wants to tell the world what a piece of shit it is. It's bad enough when some anonymous cheesedick slams your book after downloading a free copy of it and reading just forty pages, only to realize it isn't their cup of tea BUT they'll write a review anyway...which happens to yours truly from time to time. Bastards.

If you're looking for a good editing team, look no further: The Kindle All-Stars have the best editing package on the market, even when I'm not involved with it. I use them myself. Just don't send us your unfinished work to review, otherwise, I will hunt you down and kill you. I'm just kidding. Or so you hope.

ApiarySociety.com is Bernard Schaffer’s Official Website (Containingbehind-the-scenes info on each book, and much more)

Amazon Author’sPage for a full list of publications

The Bernard Schaffer YouTubeChannel.

Superbia Book Trailer

2012-02-23T04:58:00.001-08:00

"Wait and Wait" brand new poem performed LIVE

2012-02-22T07:52:00.001-08:00

Day 5 Juice Fast Join the Reboot

2012-02-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

Check out my YouTube Channel here.

Welcome to the ApiarySociety YouTube Channel!

2012-02-18T08:39:00.000-08:00

Superbia is Free For 2 Days

2012-02-15T04:56:00.001-08:00

Reader Review Appreciation #1

2012-02-13T08:19:00.000-08:00

Reader reviews are the lifeblood of an independent publisher. You can't be successful without them. I've had reviews that called me the second-coming of Stephen King and reviews that called the way my parents raised me into question. You have to just roll with it. There have been plenty of times when I've steamed over something someone said, but not enough times when I had the chance to really thank someone for not only buying my book, not only taking the time to read it, but also to leave a well-informed review on Amazon.

I'm going to be highlighting some of my favorites here, starting with one of the books that is nearest and dearest to me. GUNS OF SENECA 6. (Note, not ALL my favorites will be here. Some people write reviews for multiple books, and I want to spread it around.)
So here goes:

"Outlaws, savages, aliens, and a town under martial law: This is not the Wild West as you know it," from David Hulegaard. David is a godsend. He's a talented writer, editor, interviewer, and worthy friend. He's always honest in his reviews, whether good or bad, and the only thing that pisses me off is that the guy writes better descriptions of my books than I do.

"A damned good western," from Gretchen Rix. Gretchen is a damned fine western author in her own right and even though I'm sure space aliens and cannibal hillbillies weren't her cup of tea, she still gave the book a chance and found its inner cowboy.

"Take Firefly, add a little steampunk, and throw in some classic Western mythology such as the story of Wyatt Earp and the Gunfight at the OK Corral and you've got Seneca 6," from Tony Healey, of FringeScientist.com. Tony is just one of the coolest people out there in the independent publishing world. He's passionate, both about his writing and maintaining one of the smartest, best-looking websites out there.

"As mentioned by another reviewer, I am also a huge Firefly fan. I also enjoy westerns. This book had the nitty-gritty feel of both, along with some good sci-fi. I envisioned Sam Elliot as the first sheriff (probably why his name was Sam) and Nathan Fillion as Jem. I had no problem picturing Val Kilmer as Doc -- the way he spoke and his mannerisms gave me a Tombstone feel," from K.L Cole "ReelLady" from Idaho Falls, Idaho. I don't know anything about Miss Cole, other than that. The reason I picked her review was that she mentioned the whole Firefly thing.

I get that a lot with Guns of Seneca 6. Unfortunately, I've never seen the show or the movie. I keep meaning to, but with so many things to do, I just can't find the time. I know people are passionate about it, and for them to compare something they admire so much to my story is an honor.

PS: The Val Kilmer as Doc was dead on. In fact, in my heart of hearts, if there's ever a movie for Guns of Seneca 6, I'm going to INSIST that Kilmer play the part. It's perfect, because Halladay is older than his real-life counterpart, so we've got time, Val. Yes we do.

I'll be posting more of these for my various books. Keep leaving those reviews, even for the books I've already listed, because I will definitely be doing this again. Thanks, as always, for all the support.

In the Mood for Something Naughty?

2012-02-11T17:07:00.000-08:00

ANCIENT RITUALS - The Erotic Stories of Alejandro Flores is FREE on Amazon for two days.

Superbia is Now Available in Paperback

2012-02-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

How to Become a Famous Author and Makes Lots of Money 3

2012-02-09T21:42:00.000-08:00

Part Three (Parts One and Two can be found by clicking the link)

I've fallen into a trap and I need to get out of it.
Good sales, bad sales, I've become consumed by numbers. I check my sales on Amazon 200 times a day and fret over sales rank the way new parents spend their evenings checking to see if the baby is breathing.
This is, of course, a humongous mistake. I suspect many of you are making it as well.
Artists, any artists, from filmmakers to musicians to painters have always thrived when they were young and hungry. When nobody was looking. When it was just them in their room creating to prove something to the world.
It is a rare person who thrived artistically after they became rich and famous.
Let me show you an example. Would you rather be this guy:
or this guy?
Him --> or him?

I tend to listen to a lot of Prince's early work. Bootlegs from his 1999 concerts, when he was finally in full command of his talent, but hadn't yet reached the big time. The guy that got booed off stage opening up for the Rolling Stones in 1981. The guy who knew he was on the cusp of greatness even when the whole world seemed not to.

Which film would you rather make?

or

Something gets lost by the time you reach that comfortable level of success.

If I gave you a chance to write

or would you even have to think?

My point is, in the midst of all this selling and fretting and promoting and blogging and message boarding and worrying, when are we actually doing the writing?
If these are the years we get to be relevant, when we get to create the work that people will look back on and say, "Remember when he was good?" than why in the hell are we all so focused on getting past it?
I suggest you'd be better off creating.

Superbia is far and away my greatest novel. Readers say so. Sales reflect it. I could never have created it if I didn't experience all of the anger and pain from my work and ex-wife and being broke. I simply wouldn't have found the inspiration. If and when the day comes that I am able to quit my job to write full time, I'm going to look back and say, "Thank you for being so completely fucked up. Thank you for the motivation."
And when everything is easy, when I no longer have to struggle or worry about paying for my daughter's dance lessons, when I have everything I could possibly want, I will look back on those days when I toiled fruitlessly and miss them.

My goal, from now on, is to stop fretting over the numbers and simply write. This is the path I was on for years before there was a Kindle. When I was writing The Widow Sword in full knowledge that no agent would consider reading a novella. When Whitechapel was sitting dormant in my laptop waiting for responses from publishers that didn't make sense.

Sometimes, it is just about listening to your inner muse when no one else is. When no one gives you permission.

That is what high amounts of sales really are. That is what an acceptance letter from an agent really is. Permission to be an author, when you don't ever need it, because with that permission comes terms. Expectations. Conditions.

Stay underground for as long as you can. Build your body of work slowly, so that you are always improving. Gain followers and fans one at a time, who will read everything you produce, because everything you produce is painstakingly crafted.

Someday, when the mass market paperbacks and supermarket discount books and NPR radio interviews and reality TV shows following your book tour come to fruition, people will look back at your old stuff and say, "I used to like that dude when he was good."

I'll take good over famous any day. You should think about doing the same.

Chris King: You're a Good Dude

2012-02-08T20:25:00.001-08:00

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s720x720/404340_10150552690754674_503384673_8694060_2407518_n.jpg

Star Wars: The Old Republic Sith Opening Cinematic Video

2012-02-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

The Death and Return of Superman

2012-02-07T16:25:00.000-08:00

The NEW Superbia Cover

2012-02-06T19:22:00.000-08:00

Superbia

NEW FREE PROMO for THE KYOSHI SCROLL - Samurai Vs. Zombie

2012-02-03T07:04:00.000-08:00

My new novella THE KYOSHI SCROLL - Samurai Vs. Zombie will be available for FREE on Amazon starting tomorrow. The free promotion will last 2 days (2/4 through 2/5).

Make sure you pick up a copy, and drop me a line if you leave a review.

Reader Appreciation Sale Ends Tonight, New Novella Free Tomorrow

2012-02-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

As a special thank you, the following novels can be purchased from Amazon for just 0.99 until tonight at 10 PM, EST.

And as an added bonus, the BRAND NEW novella "THE KYOSHI SCROLL - SAMURAI vs. ZOMBIE" will be available for free this Friday and Saturday.

A Special Thank You To My Readers

2012-02-01T19:32:00.000-08:00

As a special thank you to all of my readers, especially the thousands of people who downloaded Superbia, I am making all of my novels temporarily available for just .99 cents.

If you've never tried sci-fi western before, perhaps you'd consider saddling up with Jem Clayton, Doc Halladay, and the Guns of Seneca 6. If you're in the mood for sinister short stories, be sure pick up Women and Other Monsters. Should you feel the need to enter the boggy streets of London's East End and see what really happened during the Jack the Ripper investigation, you will definitely want to take along Whitechapel: The Final Stand of Sherlock Holmes. Unless of course you are afraid of some of the more gory details, in which case I recommend the Gentlemen's Edition. Of course, as an added bonus to the grown ups in our audience, we have some light erotica by way of Ancient Rituals - The Erotic Stories of Alejandro Flores - Erotica.

All of my books can be found at Bernard Schaffer's Amazon Page.

Good luck, and enjoy reading.

Piotr Mierzejewski: Aspiring Wheelchair Bodybuilder: Got the body for it

2012-02-01T18:10:00.000-08:00

Piotr Mierzejewski: Aspiring Wheelchair Bodybuilder: Got the body for it: One of the coolest things about any fitness programme is seeing your body change. Below are pictures of my torso, check them out: ...

Stunned. Speechless. Grateful. Superbia has breached the Top 100.

2012-01-30T20:16:00.001-08:00

There's a New Number One in Town

2012-01-29T14:19:00.001-08:00

AMAZON

Even if it's only temporary.

Superbia is SKYROCKETING

2012-01-28T09:44:00.000-08:00

After an astounding 17,800+ people downloaded SUPERBIA for Kindle, the book has been rocketing up the charts. It is currently in the Top 800 Kindle Books, and Top 20 Police Procedurals. I'm doing my best to not go crazy.

The 2nd Superbia Interview

2012-01-27T14:45:00.001-08:00

http://fringescientist.com/2012/01/27/the-superbia-interview/

Ferris Bueller 2 Sequel Tease 02/05/2012

2012-01-26T15:59:00.000-08:00

Superbia Is In the Top 20 Kindle Books

2012-01-25T17:18:00.000-08:00

After one day being free on Kindle, Superbia has reached the Top 20. It is the Number One Police Procedural right now.
The book will be free all day tomorrow, so I hope it retains such a high ranking.
If you grab a copy and enjoy the book, please remember to leave a review. They help immensely.

Superbia For Free

2012-01-25T05:04:00.000-08:00

For the next two days Superbia is FREE on Amazon. If you enjoy the book, please leave a review.

1 of 2 Interviews Regarding Superbia

2012-01-23T11:55:00.001-08:00

I'm only doing two interviews for Superbia. David Hulegaard has the first one. You can read it here.

Big Girl Blog: Knock Knock

2012-01-22T09:21:00.000-08:00

Big Girl Blog: Knock Knock: Sometimes opportunities come along we'd be insane to pass up. So we take them. We hold on with all our might. We allow them to lead us where...

Influences Updated

2012-01-22T09:17:00.001-08:00

I updated all of the book pages on my website to reflect the influences that went into the creation of each project. If you see any of your favorites in there, drop me a line. I love to discuss great works of art.

The Books of Bernard Schaffer

Four 5-Star Reviews on the First Day.

2012-01-21T16:43:00.001-08:00

http://www.amazon.com/Superbia-ebook/dp/B00701D9LO/ref=sr_1_10?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1327155241&sr=1-10

Superbia is Live on Amazon for $2.99

2012-01-21T05:53:00.000-08:00

Superbiais, by far, my most important work. Itis the culmination of not only my fifteen years spent in police work, but anentire life of being surrounded by cops and observing what their lives arelike. It was an incredibly difficult bookfor me to write, not mechanically, but because it forced me to delve deep intosome things that I tend to keep at bay.

Reactionshave been strong, to say the least:

“This is your Schindler's List. And I'm on my thirdread. And just now realizing there's going to have to be a fourth read. Becausethis book is that important. And I really want a f**king cigarette.”

I’ve often saidthat this book will be the one that ends my police career. Whether that means a good or bad ending, Icannot say. My only job was to tell thetruth. There isn’t a soul on the planetwho can ever say I didn’t at least accomplish that.

Whether or not Superbiais the equivalent of Saving Private Ryan(Another comparison I received. Twoamazing films. Both by Spielberg. Strange.) or Schindler’s List, is not for me to say. I’ll let the readers of the world decide. It is filled with all of the humor, heroism,and horror that I’ve seen on a daily basis since I first took the oath toprotect and serve.

Superbia.is $2.99 on Kindle. For a complete listof Kindle apps that will let you read this book if you do not own a Kindle,click here.

Star Wars Uncut: Director's Cut

2012-01-20T18:53:00.000-08:00

An Excerpt From Superbia. (Coming Soon to Kindle)

2012-01-16T22:21:00.000-08:00

An hour later, Frank untied a smallwhite kitchen trash bag in the station’s parking garage and recoiled. “Oh my God, I’m gonna puke.”

“Ifyou puke on my evidence, I will kick you in the knee,” Vic said. “Put your gloves on and don’t breathe in whenyou open the bag.”

“Therecannot possibly be anything we need in here. It’s full of…ulk…dirty diapers… I’m gonna yak.”

Vicgrabbed him by the arm and pulled him back. “Hey, calm down. We’ll take thebag out into the fresh air. Listen,you’re going to smell things a whole lot worse than this if you stay indetectives. Trust me.”

Frankwiped his face on his shirt sleeve and groaned. “What the hell are we doing this for anyway?”

Vicslid his hands into a pair of leather gloves, then pulled a pair of latexgloves over the top of them. “I cantouch anything in the world if I’m set up like this, okay?” He picked up the trash bag and took itoutside, making sure to set it down beneath the overhead light. He pulled out a knife from his pocket andflicked it open with one hand, then slit the bag lengthwise. “Bring another bag over here and hold itopen.”

Frankput on his gloves the same way that Vic had and held the bag open, keeping hisface as far from the bag as possible. Vicreached into the first trash bag and pulled out a rolled up diaper that wasleaking brown fluid on the asphalt.

“Nobody in theirright mind would open this. Drug dealerscount on that.” Vic peeled off thesticky tape holding the diaper together and unrolled it. “Oh boy. What did they feed this kid. That’s disgusting.”

Frank looked downand gagged. “Hurry up, roll it back upand put it in here.”

Vic dropped thediaper in and reached back for another. “Only four more to go.”

Frank buried hisface into his bicep and tried crushing his nostrils against the fabric. His eyes were starting to water from the fumesand odor of liquid feces. The stickyside of the tape got caught on Vic’s rubber glove and he struggled to get itopen without spilling the contents of the diaper onto the two of them. He slowly unrolled the diaper and said,“There. You see that?”

Frankopened one eye and looked sideways down at the diaper without moving his faceaway from his arm. “What is that?”

“It’sa plastic bag.” Vic laid the diaper downand spread it out on the ground. He pickedup a stick and poked the brown liquid inside, using the tip of the stick tohoist a glassine sandwich bag out of the soup. “Here, take a look at this.”

Frankpinched his nose and squatted down beside him.

“This is a sourcebag,” Vic said. “It’s the one thecocaine comes in. If you look close, youcan still see chunks of it at the bottom.”

“Theonly chunks I see are baby corn shit.”

Vicsqueezed the bag flat between his gloved fingers to show him the small piecesthat settled at the bottom of the bag. “This is big enough for an ounce of raw coke. The dealer probably stepped on it enough toturn that into two or maybe two and a half.”

“Whatdoes stepping on it do, squish it?”

Victurned to look at him. “Are youserious? Didn’t you ever watch The Wire?”

Frankshrugged. “I don’t watch TV.”

“It’sthe single greatest cop show since Homicideor NYPD Blue.”

“Neversaw them either.”

Vicflinched like he’d been jolted with an electrical shock. “How the hell can you be a cop and not havewatched them? It’s basic training.”

“Whatdo they have to do with what I do out here?”

Vicshook the bag and said, “Maybe if you watched them, you’d know what this…” he stoppedspeaking and his voice turned into a small squeak in his throat. His eyes widened in horror.

“What?”Frank said.

“Dude, don’tmove.”

“Why?”

“It’snothing. Just don’t move.” Vic set the bag down and said, “I’ll be RIGHTback. Just stay there.”

Frankgrabbed him by the arm, “Tell me what’s happening!”

“Getyour hand off my shirt! You were justdigging through trash!”

“Tellme and I’ll let go.”

Viclowered his voice and said, “You have a small, teeny, tiny piece of baby poopon your cheek. Real close to your lip. For the love of God, don’t move. I’ll get a towel and we’ll wipe it off.”

Frank’seyes widened and his jaw started to quiver slightly. The quiver turned into a full blown spasm ashe leapt to his feet and screamed, “You son of a bitch! You got shit on me!” Frank grabbed the wet diaper off of theground with his hand and cocked it over his shoulder like a football.

“Itwas an accident!” Vic shouted as he jumped back and threw his hands over hisface. “Hey! Hey! That diaper is evidence! Do not throw it, Frank. It has evidence and I am giving you a directorder to put it down.”

“Youare so dead,” Frank hissed.

“Putit down, Frank. Let’s both calm down.”

“Thatis easy for the guy with no shit on his face to say!”

“Themore you talk the closer that shit gets to falling right into your…oh Jesus. Where did it go?”

“What?”Frank said.

“Idon’t see it anymore. Christ…I thinkwith all your moving and yelling it might have…we’d better get you inside.”

“Inmy mouth?” Frank shrieked. He droppedthe diaper and stuck his tongue out and wagged it like a dog, spitting everywhere.

Vicwatched Frank take off running around the parking lot, screaming. “Frank? You okay buddy?”

Frankbent over and clutched his stomach, ready to dump its contents on the parkinglot floor. “Get the hell away from me!”

“Ok,” Vic said, patting him on theback. “Just let it out. There you go. That’s better, buddy. That’sright.”

Inspiring scene from The Movie 'Rocky Balboa'

2012-01-16T09:17:00.000-08:00

Big Girl Blog: KAS 1.5 The as yet unnamed YA anthology

2012-01-16T05:40:00.000-08:00

Big Girl Blog: KAS 1.5 The as yet unnamed YA anthology: Yes! We're at it again. The Kindle All-Stars are now accepting submissions for our second anthology, working title KAS1.5 . If you are inter...

Old Spice Commercial ft Bruce Campbell

2012-01-15T08:06:00.000-08:00

This is what made me into an Old Spice Guy in the First Place. Old Spice Guy Team go go go!

Welcome To Superbia

2012-01-14T18:02:00.000-08:00

Thirty-sixthousand police officers protect and serve the citizens of New York City. The five boroughs of New York combined in1898, creating a jurisdiction of four hundred and sixty-eight squaremiles. Thirty-six thousand cops. One Commissioner. Same uniform. Same directives. More than twicethe size of the FBI.

The City of Philadelphia issurrounded by three counties, all of which are broken into small municipalitiesthat operate independently of one another. Montgomery County is four hundred and eighty seven square miles, andcontains over sixty individual townships and boroughs. Bucks County and Delaware County are much thesame. Different governments, different boardsof supervisors, different police departments.

Malls, Shopping Centers,Age-Restricted Housing Developments, Upscale Restaurants, Box Stores, Farmsthat make more money selling tickets to their Halloween Maze than they do oncrops, Low-Income Housing clusters owned by absentee landlords.

Low-Budget Newspapers, Movie Theaters, RichKids taking pills, Rich Kids selling pills, Rich Kids overdosing anddying.

Small Towns. Big Towns determined to stay small, think small, keep the budgetsmall.

The people in charge are the people who havebeen in charge, and the people who will remain in charge, as long as they keepthe taxes down.

Everything is perfect, or at least, betterthan it would be in the City.

Somewhere, at the bottom of the barrel, arethe people you call when the cracks begin to show.

Welcome to Superbia.

COMING SOON. $4.99 on KINDLE

Mission Accomplished

2012-01-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

No, not THAT mission.
But thanks for the support Dubya.

So, we are at the final day of my two week vacation, which was a thinly disguised (Not disguised, I wrote a blog about it) chunk of time that I dedicated to achieving several goals.

Figured I'd update you all about my progress.

Goal One was to complete and publish the Ancient Rituals collection. That was taken care of pretty easily, thanks to Laurie's rapid read through and editing abilities. It hasn't sold much in the past three days, but I haven't been promoting it much either.

My new promotional efforts are pretty much regulated to offering the book for free on Amazon (via the KDP Select Program) for a few days. That seems to move the the book all by itself once it goes back on sale.

Speaking of the KDP Select Program, I'm pretty happy to find out the numbers for how much each author will receive per borrow. $1.70 is a fair price per unit. I had 200 borrowed. It's all found money as far as I'm concerned. Amazon is bumping up the fund an extra $200,000 for January.

Goal Two was to get some reading done. I finished Hell House by Richard Matheson and left a review on Amazon and Goodreads. I make it a rule to leave reviews for every book I read, since I value the ones left for my books so much. Even the bad ones. Just not the bad ones left by stupid people. I've made some progress on The Angel's Game, but it seems that even though I read a chapter at a time, it never ends. Perhaps Zafon is a sorcerer who has tricked me into reading never-ending book. You feel like you are making progress, but in reality, he has you forever.

Goal Three was to finish the rewrite of Superbia. I finished it a day and a half early, and am extremely pleased with the result. I know there's going to be fall out from the book but I wrote it as honestly as I could and make no apologies for it. Copies were sent out to a handful of trusted people, and I cannot wait to see their responses.

I'm so excited about the book, I've been tinkering with a cover. Check it out:

I like the simplicity of it. It reminds me of the old paperbacks I used to buy at the Book Swap on Horsham Road.

Goal Four was to get some gaming done. Did that, my friends. Did. That. After every few chapters, I'd jump online and pew pew pew myself into Modern Warfare 3 bliss. I hate campters. I really, really, really hate campers.

So now that I've met my goals and still have a day off tomorrow, the obvious question is what shall I do?

Well...there's four books that need to be written for this year, and they aren't going to magically write themselves. Sigh. A laborer's job is never done.

Read that Konrath made $100,000 in three weeks on Amazon. Truthfully, I don't get excited or depressed about it either which way. Good for him. Doesn't affect me at all. The one thing I WAS excited about was that he posted a snapshot of his Seller's Account and I saw all those Refunded Units he had. I always take Refunds kind of personal. It's like being rejected. They hurt, for some reason. It was refreshing to see that our most successful peer (COMPETITOR) gets them too.

Ancient Rituals - Available Now for $2.99 on Kindle

2012-01-10T04:23:00.001-08:00

ALSO, AMAZON IS DISCOUNTING WOMEN AND OTHER MONSTERS FOR A LIMITED TIME.

A Week Off in the Life of a Writer

2012-01-09T20:26:00.000-08:00

I took last week off from my job to try and get through some of the enormous piles of WORK that I have to do. Book sales are phenomenal, but not quite at the point where I can give up my day-job and focus on it exclusively.
My goal, for those of you who don't know, is to make one million dollars this year. I will settle for a quarter of that, but that is my stated goal, and the one I intend to pursue ruthlessly.
Last week, my fiance was also off, so it made things a bit more difficult. I did not accomplish all that I sought, because she was under the assumption I'd taken the week off to spend time with her. Not that I hadn't, mind you, but she believed I'd taken the week off to ONLY spend time with her. Negotiations ensued, needless to say.
So, with this week off as well, and the Woman back in school, I have laid out several goals for myself which WILL be accomplished come hell or high water.

Goal One

Finish, Format, and Publish the new Ancient Rituals collection.
- Done! I received the last edits from Laurie this morning, and was able to sling though the formatting with little difficulty using Mobipocket Creator. What a nifty little program. I've been paying substantial amounts of money for formatting and cover art on all my books, but this time I decided to give it a go by myself.
Well...not completely by myself. Keri Knutson was kind enough to send me the cover art for Ancient Rituals long ago when it was just a short story on Wattpad. Through the magic of iPad Brushes and Microsoft Paint, I was able to alter the cover enough to make it suitable for this collection.
Also, I simply MUST give a shout-out to David Barron. I know nothing of David's work, but he published the single greatest blog on cover art formatting that I've ever seen. I lost the link and spent DAYS trying to recover it, because there was simply nothing else out there that could compare to his information. If you have a photograph or drawing you desire to use as a Kindle book cover, I implore you to click this link.
It is nearly eleven o'clock here in Pennsylvania, and Ancient Rituals is not live. Looks like I'll be anxiously checking Amazon throughout the remainder of the evening for it.

Goal Two

Reading.
I earned enough money via my Amazon Affiliates license to received a $10 gift card from them. I used it to purchase Hell House by Richard Matheson. The book is the absolute scariest thing I've ever read. So good. Surprisingly, the formatting of the Kindle book sucks. There are multiple problems throughout the manuscript, the kind that I would raise holy hell over if they appeared in mine. If I would not settle for it, Richard should not have to either.
I doubt Rich is actively monitoring how his books look on Kindle (The guy's 85 years old, for Chrissakes) so the people looking out for him should be. Hell House is a masterpiece, and deserves better.
After three days, I'm almost done the book, which says a lot given how busy I am.
The second book I'm trying to make a dent in is The Angel's Game by Carlos Ruis Zafon. I loved Shadow of the Wind, and am enjoying this book, but it has been over a year now and I'm still only halfway through it. The novel is like an enormous gothic abyss. It is labyrinthian and big. That being said, the writing is beautiful, and I cannot abandon it. Thus, my efforts continue.

Goal Three

To complete the second rewrite of Superbia: Different Shades of Blue. I want to have this draft done within the next four days. I did the On Writing thing. I took a nice little break and went and worked on something else. Now, I'm going back into the depths of what may either be my finest novel or the one that puts a stake in the heart of my police career. Maybe both.

Additional Goals

Not to play too much Modern Warfare 3 (PSN Handle: BtheEnemy) but just use it as a way to unwind in between writing sessions.
I was given Skyrim recently, but have yet to fire it up. I'm still having too much fun going pew pew pew at all the little campers and sissies who jump when you start shooting at them in MW3.
Also, my son bought himself an Xbox Kinect with his Christmas money. I've been trying to make use of it as well in the mornings to get the blood flowing since it's too cold to go walking around here lately.

Just checked Amazon again. Ancient Rituals still isn't up yet. Sigh...

New Erotica Short Story Collection is Coming THIS WEEK

2012-01-09T11:44:00.000-08:00

An excerpt:

MadameRosalita read through each page carefully, sometimes smiling, sometimesrecoiling and staring at me with grave concern. She chain-smoked thin cigarettes while she read, filling the room with haze. There was thick makeup onher face, giving her cartoonishly large, shadowy eyes and pencil-thin eyebrowsthat appeared drawn on. Her cleavage wasridiculous. The open blouse revealed atleast three-quarters of each pendulous breast. I found myself looking at them a little too long. Luckily, whatever Alejandro Flores hadwritten was captivating enough to keep her attention.

She finished reading the last pageand said, “Señor Flores is an absolute pervert.”

“Sorry?”

“He is disgusting in what hewrites. It is an outrage that you bringsuch scandalous things into a religious person’s home.”

“I had no idea,” I said. “Listen, I’m sorry. All I wanted was to know what this man sentto me and why.”

“You are pervert too, yes?” shesaid. “He said you write dirty storycalled ‘Ancient Rituals’ that you were no allowed to publish in book called WOMENAND OTHER MONSTERS? Angry axe womanthreaten to chop off pieces of you if you include it.”

“Angry Hatchet,” I said. “That was my editor’s nickname. She doesn’t really have a hatchet.”

Madame Rosalita nodded thoughtfullyand began sorting through the pages. “Alejandro Flores say he read this story, and it is nogood.”

I sat back in my chair, letting outa sigh. “All this just to tell me hedidn’t like something I wrote?”

“You no let me finish. He say story is no good because it is notcomplete. He say you did not tell mostimportant part. So he wrote it for you.”

“Fantastic. Now some Spanish guy who doesn’t even havethe decency to use email is re-writing my stories? That’s just awesome.”

“I think he just added parts. What he say you left out.”

“Like?”

She picked up the pages and showedthem to me. “I must warn you, he is veryexplicit.”

AVAILABLE NOW FOR $2.99 on KINDLE

Comic book writer Alan Moore talking about science and imagination - Nin...

2012-01-08T19:04:00.000-08:00

ALAN MOORE - advice to unpublished authors.

2012-01-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

Twitter for New Authors 2: Tips From a Power User

2012-01-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

(This next entry comes courtesy of the Kindle All-Stars Consigliera, Laurie Laliberte. Laurie is a contributor to RESISTANCE FRONT (Available now for .99 on Kindle and the Nook, also featuring Harlan Ellison, Alan Dean Foster and many more. All profits go to the National Center For Missing and Exploited Children. Get it now if you haven't already.) and co-editor of the upcoming KAS 1.5. She is a Twitter power user and also runs the extremely successful Big Girl Blog.)

There are hundreds of ways to use twitter. The key isfinding one that works for you and your schedule. I'm literally at or near mycomputer almost every waking moment with about 20 tabs (email, facebook, etc.)and apps (kindle, Google calendar) open constantly so I can access themwhenever I need to or have a second to play.

I've been using twitter for about 3 years. I recentlysurpassed 5400 followers. According to Klout, at least 60% of those followersare bots. I do use a couple of tools to manage my account, but I don't useTweetAdder. I'm cheap; get over it.

I visit justunfollow.com oncea day to follow back anyone new and to unfollow anyone who is no longerfollowing me. Two minutes and done.

I use TweetDeck to categorize all of them into columns:

ALL (aka the column I ignore) -- Shows every follower in mytimeline and scrolls faster than the NYSE ticker in a bull market

MENTIONS and DMs -- So I know who's talking to me

VIPs -- This is basically everyone I WANT to keep up with.It includes only about 70? people.

VIPs who tweet too much -- (like me) I still read theirtweets but they mess up the important stuff

Plus special columns for any hashtags I'm monitoring. Thesecolumns are always changing depending on what's going on in my world.

In general I don't seek out new followers by followinganyone first. I sit back and ignore the bulk of what's going on. I don'tintentionally add followers and I do not use a service to do it for me.

I have, however, made some great friends and connections ontwitter because I can be a fairly active participant with those friends. I'llgive you the scenario that's played out more than once:

Someone decides to follow me for whatever reason.

I follow him/her back via justunfollow.com,but he/she doesn't hit my radar until they send me a mention or a DM. If Iconnect with that person in a good way more than once, I may add them to my VIPlist so I remember they exist.

We become friends and live happily ever after.

When it comes to promotional tweets and Follow Fridays, I'minconsistent. If I have something very important to me that needs promoting,I'll use TweetDeck to pre-program tweets every couple of hours so I don't haveto even think about whether to send promos. When I'm not promoting so much,I'll manually send out a couple of tweets each day.

On "Follow Friday" I'm the same way. If someonehas been quite helpful to me during the week, or a friend is promoting a newproject, I'll send out a tweet about why my followers should follow that personand tag it with the #FF.

So, if you're a newbie, feel your way around twitter, chatwith some twitter veterans and see what works for you.

Laurie Laliberte

Twitter For New Authors 1: You're Doing It Wrong

2012-01-04T20:53:00.000-08:00

Twitta, tweeps, tweeple, and all of the goofy little-girl names people have for the single most effective promotional platform in existence irk me. I hate cutesy phrases, much the same way I feel like ice water is being poured down my back when someone calls Target "Tar-jay." It was funny the first time. I call it Twitter. What you call it is strictly up to you and has little to do with the main thrust of this post.

So, Twitter. You're doing it wrong.

Not all of you, certainly, but a good majority of upstart authors and technologically challenged older folks are screwing up the system for the rest of us. Have no fear. El Presidente is here.

I've said before that the most important tool to use Twitter effectively is Tweetadder, but if you didn't believe me then, you won't believe me now. That being said, I'm not going to get into any of the things that are covered by using software (Such as: Gaining new followers, who to follow, unfollowing, auto-tweeting, etc.). Stop being so cheap and drop the $50 to get the Pro Tools. End of Rant.

The first mistake I see people make is that they do not understand what their Twitter feed looks like. Every message YOU send appears on your profile, and none of the incoming ones do.

Why is this muy importante, El Presidente?

Well, if you send every new person who follows you a "Thanks for Following" message along with an ad for your amazing book, your twitter profile and feed is going to look like this:

"Thanks for following me @ApiarySociety. Be sure to check out my amazing awesome special new book by clicking this link."
"Thanks for following me @LaliberteLaurie. Be sure to check out my amazing awesome special new book by clicking this link."
"Thanks for following me" etc etc etc.

Now, all of the people who are following you are seeing that as well. If the only thing people ever see from you are the same message thanking new followers with a promotional ad for your book, you might as well change your profile picture to the default egg and start spamming them for free iPads.

Think of it this way:

Social networking is much the same as real life. If you and I showed up at the same party and the first thing you did was walk up to me and say, "Hi, I'm Jill and I would love for you to buy some of my Mary Kay cosmetic products" then you and I will not be spending much time together.
....unless Jill is wearing just the right outfit and in possession of the right anatomical advantages....mmmm....Jill....

BACK TO THE LECTURE AT HAND.

As you acquire more and more followers, (I have over 11,000 followers and follow over 11,000 as well.) you would do best to do what I do: Ignore the bastards! Ignore them. Don't bother them. Don't sell them anything. Don't call out their name and thank them and jump up and down like a fruitcake with #WW's and #FF's and whatever the hell else people do. Ignore them.

Until you have a reason not to.

I routinely go into the Twitter feed of people I follow and look for interesting things they have going on. Now, with 11k people you can imagine I see some pretty bizarre things. Do I take the high road and ignore them? No I do not. I make fun of them CONSTANTLY.

I used to be like you. I used to be different. It all changed for me on September 11th, 2011.

There is a girl from Australia who was one of my first hardcore Twitter fans. She emailed me constantly, sent me dirty pictures, the whole nine yards. She retweeted everything I said and constantly told new people to jump on board the @ApiarySociety train.

I stayed professional. Never turn down a fan. Always be neutral.

On 9/11, I posted something about the terrorists who attacked us and stole all those thousands of lives from us. How much I hated them. How I wished to God I could destroy every single scum-sucking one of them.

She responded: What's the big deal about 9/11? Thousands of ANIMALS get slaughtered every week!!!!!

And I just snapped.

I mean, I went Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. It wasn't pretty. I dropped the F-bomb like I was flying over Berlin in the 40's. And after that, I deleted her and blocked her and realized I'd totally lost my carefully guarded professional persona on Twitter.

Thank God. It was time to stop being a wussy and start being real.

Being real has worked for every single successful modern communicator we know of, from Lenny Bruce to Howard Stern to Ronald Reagan. If you say what you mean, and what is in your heart, and you are passionate and not afraid of the consequences, people will respect you.

If they respect you, they will follow you. End of lesson. I'll be back soon.

Second Thoughts About Whitechapel: The Final Stand of Sherlock Holmes

2012-01-04T11:40:00.000-08:00

Hello folks. My name is Bernard Schaffer, and apparently I am the author of various printed works that you can currently find on Amazon.

What some of you may not know is that I recently woke up out of a coma.

There I was, at the regional office for the Heritage Foundation when disaster struck. I have no recollection of it other than to say that one moment I was calling my local Senator to demand less funding for useless elementary school Art and Music Programs when there was a bright flash of light, and it consumed me completely.

Over a period of the next two years, I was completely immobile and unconscious save for what doctor's have called a medical miracle. While I was comatose, I apparently engaged in the phenomenon known as: Parasomniac Fableizing.

I am here to tell you right now that I am a victim of this dreadful disorder.

Against my better nature, ye my own will and sense of decency, I have wrought works of "literature" (I say that sparingly) that make me horrified.

It was with great hesitation that I read some of these so-called books. The worst offender, by far, I am sure you already guessed.

Since the publication of Whitechapel: The Final Stand of Sherlock Holmes and the Gentlemen's Edition (which contains no profanity or gore but is STILL disgusting) readers have been divided into two camps. The barbaric horde who love it unfailingly and hail it as a masterpiece, and those loyal fans of Arthur Conan Doyle who have called it utter and complete dreck.

Obviously, I would like to cast my lot with the second group.

I personally am astounded that so many people could possibly buy and enjoy such garbage. Such filth. Such depravity. Let's take a look at some of the better, more insightful comments left by angered readers:

"Absokute Trash" - One star review by "HAM" who calls the book "A pornographic novel pretending to be a Sherlock Holmes mystery. It is absolute trash. I am surprised that the estate of Sir Artur Conan Doyle allowed it yo be printed."

Strangely enough, Mr. Ham left the same review on ANOTHER book called "Kissing Sherlock Holmes" by T.D. McKinney and Terry Wylis. Also, HAM changed his rather unique spelling of the word "Absolute" for the second review. I am sure the McKinney/Wylis book warranted the correct spelling while my own lamentable attempt did not.

"Not a Traditional Sherlock Holmes" - One star review left by Snisenn15 for the Gentlemen's Edition. "The Sherlock Holmes books by Arthur Conan Doyle have a certain spirit: of the triumph of justice over evil, of the exercise of the mind over physical violence. Written in a Victorian style, the books ignore most of the ugly reality of daily Victorian 19th century living, focusing instead on what is good and possible in any society, of well-meaning people trying and sometimes succeeding to overcome evil. Not so this book. This book revels in the ugly, in dysfunction, in the gross and sick and mean-spirited."

How absolutely true, you poor, poor thing. I am INCENSED that someone would dare not ignore most of all that "ugly reality." Bastard! If I had an inner child, I would throttle him immediately.

"Misrepresentation of a Holmes Pastiche" - Two star review by Daniel Schreiner. "It bears little if any resemblance to Doyle' writing in general, the SH canon or almost all published SH pastiche."

By the Gods...say it isn't so. Please do not tell me that I wasted everyone's time by writing something DIFFERENT than they'd already read a thousand times before. Formulas exist for a REASON, do they not? If people cease to unflinchingly ape the work of a centuries-dead author (Genius! I meant. I meant to say Genius!) and those who came in endlessly in his wake, we will have chaos.

Next thing you know, the terrorists win.

"Horrible Book" - One star review by Rent Ratman who says, "i got the sample and it was horrible. it was nasty and not like the REAL shirlock holms. just try the sample and you will see what i mean."

"A Far Cry from Conan Doyle" - One star review by J. W. Aughinbaugh, who says, "In truth,I have only read a little over forty pages but I think that's enough.There has been very little Holmes so far but quite a bit of a person I presume is the young Ripper,a boy who touches and smells the dripping innards of his sister when she is impaled on a fence and who engages in homosexual sex,the latter preoccupation driving the woman of the house to put make-up and the late sister's dress on him and then severely beat him.Sound like Conan Doyle to you? Me,neither."

YES. EXACTLY RIGHT. Do not actually READ this book because not only have you seen everything you could possibly need to judge it fairly in the first forty pages, you are absolutely qualified to leave a terrible review. I admire a person who reads a story sample and can do such a thing, I truly do.

And now, my personal favorite.

"Well Written, but Horrible Story Flow." - One star review by J.A. Clarke, who says, "The book is well written. I liked the sample, thats why I purchased it. The problem is, the author spends too much time on character development and little to move the story to make it compelling."

I hate character development. I despise it with a passion. My first criteria for any successful book is that they immediately do away with all the horribly boring stuff like characterization. Thank you for pointing that out.

As for all of you insane, deluded, blood-thirsty people who left Five star reviews and such glowing comments about the book, please immediately check yourselves into the nearest psychiatric facility. You are not fit to walk among normal, decent, respectable folks like us.

I would like to announce that my next book will be titled: "Winning Pinnacle Moves" followed up by "Fun Tea Parties For Your Favorite Tea Party Members."

Oh God. I think I feel that bright light coming on again.

Before I go, please look below for some of my ACTUAL recommendations for books that will enrich your life instead of the normal garbage that my other-self tends to suggest:

Sherlock Holmes and the Great Redundancy

2012-01-04T08:54:00.000-08:00

It is a dark and stormy night on Baker Street when we find our two belovedcompanions sitting quietly by the fire. Holmes, in his smoking jacket and pipe, and Watson reading thenewspaper.

Watson: Holmes, have you seen my glasses? I have misplaced them and can hardly see myhands in front of my face.

Holmes: Quiet down, my good man. Can you not see that I am preparing to injectmyself with cocaine and morphine while simultaneously playing a violinconcerto?

Watson (Getting up): I apologize. You know me, everthe bumbler—Whoa! (Tripping over the chair and falling to the ground.)

And then, a knock at the door.

Mrs. Hudson: Hello, gentlemen. There are several people downstairs requestingan audience, sir. Shall I show them in?

Holmes: (Taking a deep, revivifying breath) Yes! Yes! Of course. At once, my dear woman. Even the invigoration of narcotics injectedinto my bloodstream cannot compare to the thrill of a new case.

Watson: (Looking down) Good God, my shoes are on the wrongfeet.

Holmes: Mrs. Hudson, would you be so kind as to present ourpotential clients one at a time?

Mrs. Hudson: Of course, sir.

Enter a confused looking police detective wearing a trench coat.

Holmes: Inspector Lestrade. Back again?

Lestrade: Although it grieves me to say it, I must beg yourassistance with yet another investigation. I have misplaced my lucky rabbit’s foot. I will be completely lost without it.

Holmes: (looking Lestrade up and down) Well, you are in luckthen. The rabbit’s foot is in analleyway three blocks north of this very location.

Watson: (Falling to the ground and clutching his heart) MyGod, man! How in the world could youknow that? It is like a miracle everytime you speak! It is like small littleelves pop out of your mouth bearing rare and amazing gifts made of chocolatethat explode into rubies when you bite them!

Holmes: (Looking at Watson for a moment) …and thus, I willexplain how I came to my conclusion. Your pantcuffs are wet, indicating that you have been walking for sometime. As everyone knows, one block ofwalking through rain this heavy equates to one inch of wet pantcuffs. You have three inches of wet pants, and so,it is three blocks that you have been walking. Further, you have the distinct odor of a roasted chicken leg about yourperson and grease upon your fingers, leading me to determine that you stoppedand purchased such an item at Callahan’s as they are the only place in the nearvicinity that serve them.

Lestrade: (Eyes wide) All true. Do go on.

Holmes: You are right-handed, and furthermore, you weregiven that rabbit’s foot by your mother on your eighteenth birthday as a goodluck token for joining the police department.

Lestrade: How did you know that?

Watson: Amazing!

Holmes: Your mother’s name is Mary and she wears blueundergarments.

Lestrade: What?

Holmes: There is the distinct impression of a wallet in yourtrenchcoat’s right pocket which is where you reached in to obtain money to payfor the chicken leg and accidentally unseated the item you are looking for sodesperately.

Lestrade: So it is in the alleyway now, is it?

Holmes: No.

(Reaching into his pocket and producing the rabbit’sfoot.) I assumed you were coming here tolook for it so I retrieved it ahead of time. Here it is.

Watson: (Looking down) Blimey. I just realized I’m also not wearing anypants.

Enter a young, rich Princess wearing a jeweled tiara, wrapped in furs.

Princess: I have received a letter…from a DEAD man.

Watson: (Hands to his mouth) A dead man, oh my.

Holmes: (Folding his leg over his knee and lighting hispipe) I am intrigued. Go on.

Princess: Ten years ago, my fiancé, the Duke ofWensleydale---

Enter a filthy, hunched over woman dressed in rags with flies circlingaround her head.

Ragwoman: Outta myway, dearie, got important detective business wif’ Sherlock `imself.

Princess: Of all the outrage!

Ragwoman: Stuff it, ye little priss. (She turns to Sherlock and smiles, her mouthfull of rotted teeth and blackened gums) Hello, sir. I saw your sign outside that said yer was theWorld’s First Consulting Detective. We’ve got a murderous beast on the loose in the East End, but a fewminutes away from here. Killed at leastfive girls, he did.

Holmes: Is that true, Watson?

Watson: (Shrugging) I have no idea, sir.

Holmes: In the East End you say?

Ragwoman: Whitechapel, in fact. You can almost see it from here if you lookout your window an’ squint. How in theworld could you not have heard? It’s beenon the front page of every newspaper for months now. This bastard is a right maniac, he is. Gutting up the girls an’—

The Princess, Mrs. Hudson, Watson and Sherlock Holmes all scream and cover up their ears.

Ragwoman: (Leaning close and whispering) They say he’s donesome stuff to their sexual parts as well.

Holmes: ….”Sexual” you say? (He turns and looks at Watson inconfusion. Watson only shrugs stupidly.)

Ragwoman: All the victims were prostitutes so it’s no wonderthe killer went after them like that.

Holmes: (Spelling out the word) Pros-ti-tute?

Ragwoman: Yes! Christ, you all act like you ain’t never heard of such things.

Holmes (Getting to his feet) Well, in any event, this allsounds extremely serious. Watson! Gather my things. We will accompany this woman at once.

Watson: (Jumping up and clicking his heels) Of course, sir.

Holmes follows the ragwoman to the apartment’s front door and opens init for her.

Holmes: Lead the way, my good woman.

Ragwoman: Thank you, sir. Thank you so much. I knew theonly reason you hadn’t shown up down there was because no one had told youdirectly.

As the old woman goes through the door, Holmes slams it shut behind herand quickly locks the bolt.

Holmes: (wiping his hands together in satisfaction) So mydear Princess, where were we?

Watson: (Clutching his stomach) You had me for a moment,dear fellow.

All three laugh as the curtain falls.

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T21:19:00.000-08:00

Happy 2012, everyone. Fear nothing and dig deep. The gold is in the ground as long as u have the fortitude to go get it.

Amazon Prime

2011-12-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

As of December 2011, due to Amazon.com's new venture and opportunity for independent authors, all of Bernard J. Schaffer's novels will now be exclusively available through Amazon.

As an added bonus, members of Amazon Prime will be able to obtain any of his books for free!
Click on any of the links below, and enjoy:

The Passionate Foodie: Authors, Alcohol & Accolades: Volume 1

2011-12-21T21:00:00.000-08:00

The Passionate Foodie: Authors, Alcohol & Accolades: Volume 1: “ Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. ” -- Ernest Hemingway From Ernest Hemingway ...

How to Become a Famous Author and Make Lots of Money Part 2

2011-12-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

This is the second-part of an occasional series on Independent Publishing. The first part can be found here.

Kindle Select Program

Amazon has recently made its Kindle Select Program available to authors and publishers, and much has been written on the subject weighing the pros and cons. Several authors I know are hesitant to delve into the program because of Amazon’s exclusivity clause.

Let me put it this way: If you are making money on the Nook or via Smashwords, then more power to you. I’m not. Amazon is by far the leader in supporting my books, and I am happy to be with them exclusively.

Earlier this month my sci-fi western Guns of Seneca 6 was selling approximately twenty-five copies a month and the Whitechapel: The FinalStand of Sherlock Holmes (Gentlemen’s Edition) even less. I put both of them up for free for two days, and when I moved them back into the paid category, both reached Number One of their respective categories. Thousands of people downloaded free editions of both, and hundreds of people bought them after that.

I’m chalking it up as a success.

It will be interesting to see how their whole Prime Lending Program shapes up with authors splitting a pot of money based on how many times their books are borrowed. Based on the formula I’ve seen on Amazon’s page, it is based on Amount of Money in the Pot, Amount of Books in the Program, and how many times your book was borrowed. I’ve had about 100 books borrowed so far.

Search Engine Optimization

SEO is a highly-complicated piece of internet witchcraft that you need to at least have a rough idea of how to use. There are numerous books on the issue, ranging from what look like space shuttle engineering manuals to do-it-yourself guides.

I recently bought three on the subject:

Out of all of them, GET ON GOOGLE FRONT PAGE by Jason Matthews was the most concise and well-written. I also highly suggest his other book, which is positively jammed with information about publishing.

Pricing Your Books

I’m going to be real blunt about this. Pricing your book at .99 doesn’t make sense. Period.

Now, this is being said by a man who has two books for sale on Kindle right this second for .99, so do not think me mean-spirited by saying that. I have very specific reasons for using the .99 price point on my short-story collection WOMEN AND OTHER MONSTERSand the non-fiction essay, WAY OF THE WARRIOR.

I’ll start with WAY OF THE WARRIOR first, because it is the easiest to explain.

It is an essay, only about 16 pages in length. I made the cover myself, and did not pay for any formatting. It is about a subject that is important to me personally, and I would hope that everyone in law enforcement had an opportunity to read it. I would give it away free to them all if I could, but Amazon dictates that we must charge something for it. Therefore, I sell it for .99 and hope people find it meaningful.

The answer to why I sell WOMEN AND OTHER MONSTERS for .99 is infinitely more complicated, but can be boiled down to twelve simple words if I really try. They are: I Didn't Know WHAT I Was Doing and I Got Bad Advice.

At the outset of my foray into independent publishing, I really had no clue how to go about it. I made friends with an author who had spent a year in the game, and at the time had four books for sale on Amazon. Each was priced at .99.

He sold me on the possibilities of independent publishing, and inspired me to give it a shot. I decided to put together a short-story collection just as a way to test the waters. WAOM was born. I paid to have a cover made, and professional formatting, because as I began reading eBooks, I saw how much they improved the experience. The cost was roughly $300.

Amazon offers a 35% royalty option and a 70% royalty option to authors, but books priced under $2.99 only qualify for the lower one. If your book is priced at .99, you make .35 per book.

Let’s do some quick comparisons:

Low Budget’s .99 book sells a whopping 500 copies in one month. He makes $175.

Quality Independent’s $2.99 book sells only 100 copies in one month. He makes $209.

We all clear now?

Selling 500 copies of a book on Amazon is an INCREDIBLE achievement. Personally, if I’d written a book capable of doing that, but priced it at .99 per book, I’d be incredibly grateful to every person who bought it while feeling like a complete idiot.

John Locke (Who is quickly becoming this blog’s favorite whipping boy) received a huge amount of publicity when he sold his one millionth eBook.

John’s books are all priced at .99. He only made $350,000 on that. For all his much-vaunted business acumen, I simply cannot respect that. I respect his achievement, certainly, but I also think he’s a bit of a dummy. An author selling his books for just $2.99 would only have to sell less than 170,000 books to make the same amount of money.

An author selling his book for $4.99 would have to sell just 100,000 books.

My advice would be to take the time and effort to create a substantial work, have it properly edited, formatted and designed. After that, select a fair price that will give substantial value to the reader but also allow you to remain competitive.

Quick story:

Last summer, Whitechapel (Original Version) sales had stalled out at its initial $2.99 price point. I decided to give the ol’ .99 price a try. Not only did sales not improve, it invited readers in that were not carefully reading the reviews or description. They just saw a Sherlock Holmes book for .99 and bought it. Little did they know what awaited them.

Several bad reviews later, I’d had enough, and decided to raise the price to $4.99. I figured if they were going to leave bad reviews after only reading forty pages, they could at least pay me for it.

Guess what? Sales tripled. Not only that, but good reviews began to come back in, because people were paying more money for the book, so they were taking the time to read it all the way through.

I don't think I can be any more blunt than this: There is a place for Dollar Stores in this world. They attract all sorts of people, but nobody really goes into them looking for quality. If you are that kind of author, creating that type of product, than by all means, have at it. It has served John (somewhat) well being on the same shelves as the Chinese manufactured toothpaste and no-name brand baby shampoo.

PS: If you are a first-time author or relative newbie who is reading this thinking your work is the equivalent of a bespoke boutique on Saville Row, I've got news for you sweetie: You ain't. Price your oh-so precious work of art at $2.99 and make sure its actually worth $24.99 and you'll be just fine.

Also, I just want to be clear about something: I have NO regrets about WOMEN AND OTHER MONSTERS other than I wish I'd made it slightly longer by including several stories that were cut. I would rather have a fuller volume that was priced appropriately. But I am eternally grateful that people are interested in it and truly do love every story within it. (One of the cut stories can be read for free here.)

Editing Services and Post-Release Support

Forgive me for doing a little self-promotion here, but I wanted to add that the Kindle All-Stars are now offering editing and post-release support services. Not for free, obviously, but there is a payment plan option that seems affordable. If you are looking for the most thorough, capable editing and proofreading services in the industry as well as fine-tuned, customized marketing, look no further than here.

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Western Influences of Guns of Seneca 6

2011-12-16T15:54:00.000-08:00

The world of my bestselling book Guns of Seneca 6 is equal parts sci-fi and western. I've described it as everything you know and love about the Wild West crumpled up into a big ball and cast out into the depths of outer space.
People often compare the book to Joss Whedon's Firefly and are always saying how they can picture actor Nathan Fillion in the role of either Sheriff Sam Clayton or Outlaw Jem Clayton. To be honest, I've never seen the series and wouldn't know. These "Browncoats" certainly seem serious about it, so I must respect it.
My personal choice for Sam Clayton would be Brad Pitt. Not because he's a famous movie star, but because it was his turn as Jesse James in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford that inspired Jem Clayton.
There are references to Jesse throughout the book. If you know anything about the man, or have read Ron Hansen's brilliant novel, you'll see them immediately. I thank Hansen at the end of Guns. His influence was manifest on my decision to write the book in the first place.
The reason I pick Brad for the role of Sam is that Brad is older now (Too old for Jem anyway), and has that sad faraway look I picture in Sam's eyes. Truth be told, I have no idea who could play the role of Jem, but I picture someone meaner looking than Nathan Fillion.
I initially began writing Guns of Seneca 6 with the John Wayne character from True Grit in mind for Marshal Jimmy McParlan. Just as I finished the first draft, the Cohen Brothers released their version of True Grit and it was hard to picture anyone other than Jeff Bridges in the role after that. Jimmy McParlan was named for a real person incidentally. James McParland was a Pinkerton detective who infiltrated the Molly Maguires in the 1870's.
The most obvious character in Guns of Seneca 6 who is a nearly direct lift from history and the films about him is Doctor Royce Henry Halladay. Doc Holliday is the stuff of myth and legend, and no one has ever portrayed him better than Val Kilmer in Tombstone. People talk about pipe dreams, and I've got my fair share of them. Craziest among them is the conversation I have with Mr. Kilmer where I ask him to reprise his role of an older Doc in Guns of Seneca 6 The Movie.
If you're looking to understand why I chose the name Royce and spelled his last name the way I did, what can I say? I'm a born and bred Phillies fan. (Go Fightin's!)
Music plays a large part in any book I write. I create playlists of songs that inspire me and help set the mood for the book and listen to them while I'm driving. The ones that stand out for me from Guns are:

1. "Rebel Within" by Hank Williams III
2. "The Wolf" by Shooter Jennings
3. "F*ck the FCC" by Steve Earle
4. Every Goddamn Thing Ever Sung by Johnny Cash (But if I HAD to, I'd pick "Pocahontas," "Big Iron," "I See a Darkness," and "The Mercy Seat.")
5. "Mexican Home" by John Prine
6. "Jesse James" by Bruce Springsteen
7. "It Takes a Lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Cry" by Bob Dylan
8. "The Ghost of Tom Joad" by Rage Against the Machine
9. "Search and Destory" by Iggy and the Stooges
10. "Long Hauls and Close Calls" by Hank Williams III

I'll revisit this topic later on to talk about the sci-fi influences on Guns of Seneca 6. Until then, do yourself a favor and check out some of the things I've mentioned here.
PS: To read about my visit to Wyatt Earp's grave, click this link.

I Do Not Believe John Locke

2011-12-11T14:34:00.000-08:00

John Locke is a phenomenon in the independent publishing world, and that cannot be argued. His books are incredibly successful and he has somewhat legitimized Kindle-only authors. I don't know if they are any good or not, because the only one I have ever read is "How I Sold 1 Million eBooks in 5 Months."

I will not argue his talent, deservedness or abilities here. I might make fun of people who consider them wonderful, much the same as I make fun of people who consider Nicholas Sparks wonderful. But that's just me being me.

So I read the "How I Sold" book looking to improve my own game and mine it for advice. There was some good stuff in there. I saw myself living vicariously through his own lavish descriptions of nonstop success. The book would have been better titled, "How to Sell 1 Million eBooks Without Really Trying."

I'm not sure if it's John being coy, or playing up to his image, but the guy basically comes right out and says, "I don't really do too much, it all just comes to me easily."

And that is why I'm writing this today. In the section called "The System, Step By Step" there is one little tiny part that has always stuck in my craw. John describes the blog that "Changed his life" as a piece he wrote on how wonderful Joe Paterno is (remember this is all before the Penn State scandal, so let's not pick on John for his choice of role models....snicker) and how those 550 words blasted him into the best seller category.

According to John Locke, it was history in the making. Just by Twittering the title and link to his followers that day, and posting the link with hashtags for #JoePaterno, and sending the link to people tweeting about an upcoming Penn State game, "I started selling books like crazy!"

All these fanatical Penn State people who were oh so desperate to read John Locke's golden words about Joe Paterno could not help themselves, really. It went viral.

And then Locke turned around and DID IT AGAIN. This time, he blessed all of Creation with a blog titled "Michael J. Fox and your Loved Ones!" This blog not only reinvented the wheel, it stopped all of Space and Time with awesomeness. It was the Godfather IV, but without any immediate family members of the director. It was George Lucas without a green screen. It healed the rift between the Muslim and Hebrew Nations.

And the best thing about it was that all he had to do was type a few peeps on Twitter, add in a keywords or two, and post a hashtag. Bam. The world flocked to his door.

I say it's all bullshit.

There are oodles of blogs in the blogosphere. A Google search of "Joe Paterno Blog" brought back over 24 million hits, and a search of "Michael J. Fox" brought back over 10 million.

Now...out of TEN million blogs, somehow people singled out Locke's?

I know I LOOK stupid...but give me some credit. I know a writer or two or five hundred and NOT ONE OF THEM has ever written a blog that went viral. In fact, I've never even HEARD of a blog that went viral. I've heard of plenty of videos. No blogs. At least, none that didn't involve pictures of naked celebrities with hacked cellphones.

I believe there is a more logical reason for Locke's success, and more specifically, his blog success. It was pretty obvious once I began to learn more about it: I think it is highly likely that John Locke (millionaire investor before he turned independent author) engaged in SEO (Search Engine Optimization) to drive people to his blogs. Locke has the money to hire a company to SEO the hell out of anything he writes, including things about Joe Paterno, Michael J. Fox, or tiddly-winks if he wants to.

AND I AM NOT FAULTING HIM FOR THIS. I DO SEO ON MY SITES.

(For those who don't know, SEO is a way to manipulate Google and other search engines to be directed toward your site. It uses Keywords and linking techniques and you name it to get your site listed first and drive people toward wherever you want them to go.)

If it happened, I'm faulting him for lying about it. For making it look like he did this all without giving it any effort. For being a con man, because if that's what he did, but failed to disclose it while vaunting the wonders of his "system" than a con is what it would be.

I asked him directly if he'd done SEO on his Twitter feed, but so far, no answer.

And John, if you read this, take no true offense to it. I wish you the best of success in your latest endeavor with unknown author Dani Ripper, where you co-wrote (cough cough) the book with her. How Tom Clancy of you.

Best Sherlock Holmes Pastiches

2011-12-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

I began researching Whitechapel: The Final Stand of Sherlock Holmes in the summer of 2008, and would spend the next year studying Doyle's Holmes canon as intensely as the crimes of Jack the Ripper. However, the true inspiration for my vision of Holmes was born much earlier, and completely by accident.

I was at the Book Swap in Horsham Township, searching for new things to read, and happened upon a book titled "The Seven-Percent Solution" by Nicholas Meyer. It leaped out at me for several reasons. First, I immediately recognized that it must be a Sherlock Holmes novel, and second that it was written by the director of Star Trek II.

I grabbed the book and took it home to being reading it, morbidly curious that someone would DARE try and write Holmes, let alone some Hollywood big-shot. I was wrong. Meyer handled the characters and setting in expert fashion, and his less-formal style of prose than the traditional stories felt completely comfortable.
I later tracked down Meyer's next two Holmes books, which I did not enjoy nearly as much, but the seed was already planted. I knew that it could be done.

My second influence was not a book, but rather a film. The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes was made in 1970 and featured a very human portrayal of Holmes. Watson was a carouser and Mycroft Holmes was a government puppet-master portrayed by none other than Christopher Lee. Admittedly, the loch ness monster aspect of the film was a bit silly, but for the most part, it was an excellent film that is absolutely deserving of its cult classic status.

The last truly good Sherlock Holmes pastiche occurred in a few all-too-brief scenes of Warren Ellis's seminal comic Planetary. In Issue 13, the series' hero Elijah Snow tracks down a "Master Detective" in his 2nd Floor apartment, and the detective is guarded by none other than Dracula himself. The confrontation is simply jaw-dropping. The entire series of Planetary featured characters brought in from all over fiction (including Godzilla, Tarzan, Doc Savage, you name it) and if you have not read it, in the immortal words of Henry Rollins, "You suck and must be destroyed."

Or...er...you could just read it and therefor stop sucking and no longer require destruction.
Your choice, really.

Steve Wacker and Mark Waid: Comic Book Badasses

2011-12-10T19:47:00.000-08:00

Incredibly interesting exchange between three heavyweights in the comic book world. Joe Michael Straczynski has apparently lost his mind, and took a pretty lowdown shot at the Amazing Spider-Man team. (Comic geek note: JMS wrote a hugely successful Amazing Spidey run that ended about a year ago.) Steve Wacker, the books current editor, took offense to the post and called him on it. Those two went back and forth for awhile, when out of nowhere, badass Mark Waid came out of nowhere and just leveled Straczynski. Flat. Off the top turnbuckle. See for yourself here.
First off, let me say good for Steve Wacker for standing up for his people. In this PC world of bullshit, it is refreshing to see a guy chincheck a "celebrity" who should have had some class.
Secondly, even bigger props to Mark Waid. If seeing an editor taking a stand against a celebrity is rare, seeing another celeb stand up for the editor is even rarer. Considering the swarms of people who would give their left arm to have the chance to pen a comic book, it's pretty sad to see someone given the opportunities that Straczynski has seen take a dump on them.

Resistance Front is Now Available on Amazon for .99

2011-12-09T18:54:00.000-08:00

Kindle All-Stars Presents: Resistance Front features thirty-one short stories and five essays from the widest variety of authors available in literature. Famous authors such as Harlan Ellison and Alan Dean Foster, best-selling Kindle authors such as Jon F. Merz and Bernard J. Schaffer, and authors from the US, UK, New Zealand, and Nepal all come together in this collection to assemble the Resistance Front.

ALL profits from the sale of this book will be donated to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Thank you for supporting the cause, and enjoy.

Kindle All-Stars Editing and eBook Marketing Services

2011-12-08T22:40:00.000-08:00

Independent authors can compete directly with mainstream publishing houses. The profits are greater for those who brave it. Creators retain rights to their work and control of their careers. However, for independent artists to be successful they must present a polished, professional product to the public.

Mainstream publishers possess limitless editing, proofreading, and marketing resources. Options for independent authors can vary wildly in terms of price and quality.

Until now, that is. The Kindle All-Stars are here to save the day.

Introducing Kindle All-Stars Editorial Services

Authors who contract with the Kindle All-Stars will receive two full line-edits of their finished manuscript. Line-edits involve specific editing done sentence by sentence with track changes to show exactly what is being suggested.

Upon finalizing the editing process, your book will then be proofread twice for grammatical and typographic errors.

Your manuscript is guaranteed to go to formatting with the most professional looking product available.

Post-Editing Support

Best-selling independent author Bernard J. Schaffer will custom craft a marketing plan for your book using mainly free services. You will receive guidance on enhancing and monetizing your website, SEO (Search Engine Optimization), and social networking to sell your book.

Authors new to the uploading process with the three main distribution outlets (Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Smashwords) will receive expert guidance how to make their book available for sale.

Finally, your book will receive three to four customer reviews that are ready to go live the day it is released, on all of the sites where it is listed and more.

In addition, you will receive one promotional endorsement from El Presidente himself, Bernard J. Schaffer, for your websites and author's pages.

Pricing

$1,800 (US)

Payment options are available, including $150 increments per month until the completion of the contract.

Paypal and major credit cards accepted. DO NOT SEND PAYMENT UNTIL YOU ARE ACCEPTED.

To Apply, contact: KindleAllStars@gmail.com

Copy and Paste answers to the following questions into your email:

1. Name of the author

2. Name of the piece being submitted

3. Length and genre of work (Completed manuscripts ONLY. As you will receive TWO line-edits, it is highly recommended that you do not send first drafts of your novel. Make sure that you only send your most polished effort...so that we may tear it to shreds.) (Don't be upset by that idea. When we rebuild it, it will only be stronger, we promise.)

4. Writing background and publishing history, with links to where all your current work is available. (Experience is not necessary)

5. Links to your public websites and social network profiles.

6. No payment is necessary until you are accepted and the contract is signed. You will be provided a link at that time for payment depending on the method you select.

Testimonials

“Bernard is a nonpareil editor who knows how to make a story sing."Toni Dwiggins, author of Badwater

“Bernard Schaffer is not only a marvelous writer, but is also dedicated to honing his craft and finding new and innovative ways to bring his work and the work of other authors to readers. In addition to telling a darn good story, he tirelessly champions the art of writing and is helping to shape the new paradigm in publishing. He's a pleasure to work with.” Keri Knutson, author of the Maddie Pryce Series

“Whether you're a reader or an aspiring author, there is no better place to start than with Bernard Schaffer. As a writer in need of refinement, I selected Bernard as my mentor... I am grateful that I stumbled across his work, and appreciative of all that he has taught me since.” David Hulegaard, author of Noble

"Schaffer is, and this should give everyone cause for concern, a rare kind of writer nowadays: An honest one. In a time when many 'authors' are more akin to thoughtless monkeys trying to hammer out some tween-friendly vampire mashup abomination, Schaffer tells the truth with a new voice." William Vitka, author of Infected

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For a list of books available on Amazon, click this link

To dominate Twitter like a Kindle Author Sex God, You Only Need THIS.

Free Bernard J. Schaffer Books on Kindle Starting 12/9/11

2011-12-08T07:49:00.001-08:00

Starting 12/9/11, both the Whitechapel (Gentlemen's Edition) and the Way of the Warrior essay will be FREE on Kindle for FIVE days. Get them while you can!

Access The Apiary Society (Bernard J. Schaffer's website)

For a list of books available on Amazon, click this link

To dominate Twitter like a Kindle Author Sex God, You Only Need THIS.

American Swindle: The Lies of Mumia Abu-Jamal's Supporters

2011-12-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

I hesitated to write this at first.
As an independent publisher, it always makes me hesitate to throw my hat in the ring when discussing a controversial issue because I pause to think, "What if this makes the difference between a reader buying one of my books, and I lose them forever?"
This is normally a momentary pause that is quickly defeated by my uncontrollable urge to do right. To climb up to the top of the mountain any time I see injustice and say, "We can't let the bastards win!"
Today, the Philadelphia District Attorney's Office opted to not pursue the death penalty against convicted murderer Mumia Abu-Jamal. Their reasoning is that after thirty years, witnesses have died or become unavailable and they would not be able to properly reconvene the hearing. In addition, this would cause Maureen Faulkner and the rest of Daniel's family a possible additional thirty years of torment.
But that is not the point of this piece.
There are many, many factual reports that you can read regarding Mumia's conviction, and many completely loopy conspiracy theories as well. I didn't come to sway you either way. Chances are, you are firmly grounded in your belief regarding the case and that won't change.
My main focus here is to let the people know who are calling this a victory that it is not. Mumia Abu-Jamal will still spend the rest of his life in prison. He is fifty-seven years old, and appears to be in excellent health. I hope he lives another fifty. I truly do. In general population, caged, imprisoned, and isolated from his adoring public.
His adoring public is a powerful, rich, well-connected one. Those who've followed the case can rattle off a list of supporters like Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, Michael Moore, Howard Zinn, the Beastie Boys, Rage Against the Machine, Danny Glover, Terry Gilliam, etc etc. (The FOP's full list of supporters can be found here.)
The list is a particularly disheartening one. I look at it and see many artists whom I admire and follow and support. Well, if there is a list somewhere of people who do not support Mumia, they can add me to it.
I support Maureen Faulkner.

Since her husband's murder, Mrs. Faulkner has campaigned to shed light on the circumstances of the case, to battle all those Hollywood phonies, and to honor the lives of all police officers across the world.
She was standing there today next to the Philadelphia District Attorney. Still proud. Still a fighter.
Somewhere up there, Danny is looking down at you, ma'am, and I am certain he is proud.

If you are having trouble making up your mind about the Mumia Abu-Jamal case, take the time to visit the Justice for Daniel Faulkner page and read through it. If you are blindly supporting Mumia, please follow the solid yellow lines in the nearest highway until you see two bright oncoming lights. That is the answer you've been looking for all this time. Go to it.
Myths About Mumia
Summary of Case Facts
The Case Against Mumia
Donate

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For a list of books available on Amazon, click this link
To dominate Twitter like a Kindle Author Sex God, You Only Need THIS.

Amy Winehouse Lioness Review

2011-12-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

Every Tuesday I go on iTunes to see what new music has been released, and saw that Lioness was now available. I'm sure most of you already know that the record is a collection of outtakes from her career. Most of the reviews I've read seem to point out that the quality varies greatly in the songs and that it feels like a piecemeal collection of bottom-barrel song scraps.
I really disagree. I listened through twice and enjoyed it both times. The truth is, even though I'm not a Super Fan, I miss Amy and her voice. Like most other talented young people who left the planet too early, I feel like we're lessened by their departure and I wish they'd stuck around.
I recommend the LP and say screw the haters.

For some reason, it sent me on an iTunes search for Terence Trent D'arby. I grabbed a few songs, mostly from his first record, but also a few later releases. His voice and talent is truly staggering and it's a tragedy that he let it evaporate. I don't buy into the whole "name change" to Sananda Maitreya. You spent all that time building up your brand and name-recognition just to thumb your nose at it? I have no idea why these powerful artists die, self-destruct, or go completely whackadoo. But these two are good examples are both.

Access The Apiary Society (Bernard J. Schaffer's website)

For a list of books available on Amazon, click this link

To dominate Twitter like a Kindle Author Sex God, You Only Need THIS.

New Flickr Account

2011-12-05T23:16:00.000-08:00

I just set up a Flickr account to show off some of the cool artwork that's been hiding in my computer's documents folder. Check it out.

Bernard J. Schaffer Photostream!

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Access The Apiary Society (Bernard J. Schaffer's website)

For a list of books available on Amazon, click this link

To dominate Twitter like a Kindle Author Sex God, You Only Need THIS.

The Evolution of a Revolutionary Book Cover

2011-12-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

The Kindle All-Stars Presents: Resistance Front, coming this Holiday season to a Kindle near you.

Old Spice MANta Claus | Day One Progress Report

2011-12-05T19:19:00.000-08:00

I LOVE Isaiah. For my kid's 11th birthday this year I got him an Old Spice gift set and when I presented him, I shook his hand and said, "Welcome to the Old Spice Guys Team, son."

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For a list of books available on Amazon, click this link

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Morrissey's Influence on Whitechapel: The Final Stand of Sherlock Holmes

2011-12-05T06:51:00.000-08:00

In 2008 I was living in a dumpy little apartment, plunking away on an untrustworthy laptop. The apartment was okay, I guess, if you didn't mind doing without little things like heat. On a good day, the water coming out of the bath spigot was light yellow. On bad days, it was much darker.

I've written and re-written this next part a few times, wondering how much I should say, but this time I think I'll just say something true.

I'd broken up with my wife and only had my kids half the week. The reason I'd moved into such a crappy little apartment in the first place was because it was right next store to my little boy's elementary school. I wanted him to know I was still right there.

The rent was high, the neighbors were horrible, and the amenities were non-existent. But he knew I was right there.

The nights without them were soul-crushing. I missed them so much that it eventually drove me to attempt a project so difficult that it consumed my every waking moment without them. There was a ton of research involved and the insane attempt to marry two fully realized genres in a way that had never been done before. WHITECHAPEL began as a notebook full of scribbles regarding my take on the actual Ripper investigation.

On those lonely nights, I would play Morrissey's WHO PUT THE 'M' IN MANCHESTER dvd over and over. Moz's perspective on living a solitary, sexless existence informed my view of Sherlock Holmes and also echoed many of the things I was experiencing at the time.

I love that video. The song too. As I wrote the book, it seemed fitting to pay tribute to Morrissey by including him. Stephen Patrick Morrissey, the reporter, really has no resemblence to Mozzer the rock star except in name. I just did it as a tribute.

For me, the Apiary Society would be the enduring light Holmes gave to the world that would never go out. It would shine against the darkness for all eternity as long as there were brave souls willing to keep it lit. When it came time to name the other Acts for the book, I had to look no further than the Morrissey playlist on my iPod.

So here, just for fun, is my Top Ten Mozzer/Whitechapel Playlist
1.     Will Never Marry
2.    Death of a Disco Dancer
3.    Come Back to Camden
4.     I Know it's Gonna Happen Someday
5.    Used to be a Sweet Boy
6.    Dear God Please Help me
7.    The Headmaster Ritual
8.    The Queen is Dead
9.     London
10.    To Me You Are a Work of Art

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For a list of books available on Amazon, click this link

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Songify This - Winning - a Song by Charlie Sheen

2011-12-05T06:46:00.000-08:00

Truthfully, when I'm down a little, I watch this video and it gives me that extra boost.

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For a list of books available on Amazon, click this link

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Caught "On the Waterfront" on HDNET

2011-12-04T19:25:00.000-08:00

Hands down, Marlon Brando is my favorite actor of all time. I haven't watched "On the Waterfront" in several years, but every frame of it still rings true for me. The other day I caught an old episode of the Twilight Zone that had Burt Reynolds doing a spot-on imitation of Brando. Here's a clip to demonstrate:

Nothing like the original though.

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For a list of books available on Amazon, click this link

To dominate Twitter like a Kindle Author Sex God, You Only Need THIS.

Nook Making a Push

2011-12-04T18:54:00.000-08:00

Barnes and Noble is using Jane Lynch to promote the Nook. They're bringing out the big guns to take on the Kindle Fire this holiday season. Personally, I think it's a good thing.

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Operation eBook Drop

2011-12-04T11:32:00.000-08:00

Just got word that I've been accepted for Operation: eBook Drop, where I can send free eBooks to participating troops overseas.

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Welcome to the New Blog Site for Bernard J. Schaffer

2011-12-04T07:54:00.001-08:00

Thanks for stopping by my new Blog site. For more information, check out www.ApiarySociety.com or www.KindleAllStars.com. Thanks!

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For a list of books available on Amazon, click this link

To dominate Twitter like a Kindle Author Sex God, You Only Need THIS.

Two Spaces After Every Sentence. Period.

2011-12-04T07:50:00.001-08:00

During formatting of the Kindle All-Stars Project, I noticed that there is a widespread debate amongst authors as to whether it is appropriate to press the space bar once or twice after every period. Many nowadays swear that one-space is all that is required.
They're wrong. All of them, wrong, wrong, dead wrong, wrong, and stupid.
Maybe I'm just getting cranky in my old age (Just turned 37 this October. Yikes!). But, as much as this is a holdover from my days as a kid in high-school taking typing classes, it is also a position I hold as a best-selling author on Amazon. And I've got a pretty good reason for it too.
It has to do with respecting the sentence, kids. The sentence, that magical construct of the English language that can be as simple as verb/noun, as in: I ran. It can also be as long and unwieldy as any grammatically-challenged blogger can render. But still, the period or exclamation mark that ends a sentence is singular in our language in that it gets to finish a sentence. It isn't a weak little momentary pause like a comma, a dash, or a semi-colon. It isn't greasy kid stuff like the ellipses that appears in every poorly written Young Adult novel. ("Oh...Edmund...I was waiting for you....")
It is the majestic sentence that all great works of literature are built upon, and it deserves two spaces after it gets finished, just to let you soak it up. Don't let these internet suckers hype you up into thinking otherwise. Hit that space bar twice and be glad you done it.

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How to Become a Famous Author and Make Lots of Money

2011-12-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

Well, here's the hard truth of it: It ain't easy.
I get asked so often about HOW I do this, I thought I'd post a quick reference guide for those of you who are considering taking the plunge.  I'll try to keep it brief.
1. The first thing you need is good writing skills.  Period.  These are the only books I endorse to acquire the skills you need to learn the craft.

I've said before that Stephen King is my Miyamoto Musashi. Here's what I mean.  In 1645, Musashi was the penultimate swordsman of his era and retreated to a cave to write down all of his secrets and thoughts on the art of kenjutsu. Those scrolls (The Go Rin No Sho) were sent out into the world to instruct and inspire generations of swordsmen who would seek to be like the master.
Reading ON WRITING changed everything for me, and if you haven't read it, stop what you are doing now and do so. Strunk and White goes hand in hand with ON WRITING. You'll want it. As far as Elmore's book goes, it's pretty thin on content, but it is worth it for the discussion of "Not Writing About the Weather" alone.
2. Editing and Proofreading. In THAT order.
    I see WAY too many reviews on Amazon from readers who yell at authors for selling a book that is poorly edited and filled with spelling errors.
    If you are selling people a product that is of poor quality, whether it is because you are too egotistical or lazy to have someone edit it, then you are not a writer. Period. You are a huckster trying to hawk snake-oil on an unsuspecting public. Go make your fast buck somewhere else, because I will eventually find you and it's going to hurt.
    There are services available for both editing and proofreading, but a word of caution. ANYONE who promises you some amazing result is lying. A good editor will promise you only one thing: To kick the living shit out of whatever you write. It is through that process that a writer improves.
    I call my editor The Angry Hatchet. If you look in any of my books, she's listed as Karen The Angry Hatchet. She is the meanest, cruelest, most evil person on the planet when it comes to my writing, and I love her endlessly for it.
    After the experience of editing the KINDLE ALL-STARS PRESENTS: RESISTANCE FRONT project, I have developed a love of helping authors achieve new heights in their work. If you are looking for an editor for your short story or novel, email me (ApiarySociety@gmail.com ) and we'll talk.
3. Formatting and Cover Art
    Glendon at Streetlight Graphics.
    I've used others. I don't anymore. Tell him I sent you.
4. Advertising in One Easy Word: Twitter
    My twitter account is @ApiarySociety and I have over 5200 (That's as of today. There will be more by the time you read this) followers. Four months ago I had 250. How did I do this?
    Simple. I paid $50 for an ingenius piece of software called TweetAdder.

    They offer automatic follows, follow-backs, dm's, tweeting, and more. They are the single most useful program on my computer aside from MS Word.
    Please either click the box above or follow this link twitter adder
5. What Now?
    Once your book is out and you're scrambling every morning to check your sales rank just like the rest of us, you may find yourself wondering when the major bucks start rolling in. Quick answer: No clue.
    It works for some people on their first book, for others, their tenth. For some, not at all. It really just depends on who you are, what you write, and how hard you are willing to work for it.
    People ask me if I ever sleep. Sometimes. Just not well.
    There are books on what to do after your book is out. Here are a few that I'm aware of, whether because I read them or I have a personal relationship with their authors and they know what they are talking about.
      That's pretty much it in a nutshell.
If you have any other questions, feel free to leave a comment below or drop me a line. Take care, and good luck.

***

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From Prescription Drugs to Heroin Abuse

2011-12-04T07:27:00.000-08:00

(*Note: When I wrote this article back in 2008, I had no clue how much of an impact OxyContin would have on drug use in my area. My drug team ran ragged trying to stop the distribution of Oxy 80.  Finally, Purdue Pharma was forced to change the formulation of their pills to make them tamper proof. Most addicts have moved on to OxyMorph, Percocet 30, and figuring out ways to abuse the "tamper proof" Oxy's. Everything I wrote still applies. See the short afterwards at the end of the article for a recent update.)
You have my permission to re-post this whever you see fit. Please attribute me as the author and provide a link back to this page, including the following information: Bernard J. Schaffer is a published author and expert in the distribution of controlled substances at the district court level in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.
Every Heroin user I know (every LIVING Heroin user I know) started off taking OxyContin. They followed a very simple, very typical progression from the early stages of sampling Oxy's to shooting up a bundle of Heroin (14 bags) every three days or so. The ease with which OxyContin (or OxyCodone, as it is officially termed. OxyContin is a brand name for the same drug.) is available to people has created a new generation of Heroin addicts.
    That is what is generally called a Thesis Statement. What will follow is my attempt to prove my Thesis. I'd like to qualify what I am going to write by saying that I am not a narcotics expert. There are thousands of people who have more experience with investigating narcotics crimes, treating addiction, and dealing with the problem. I am simply a street cop who is at the front lines of the crimes committed by Heroin addicts, and the resulting impact on their families and communities.
   OxyCodone is a drug that contains an opiate alkaloid that is a minor component of opium. It is generally sold in pill form, most commonly under the brand name OxyContin. (We'll get to the other ingenious ways that people can abuse Oxy in a moment.)
    OxyCodone was first developed in 1916 after Bayer Pharmaceutical stopped manufacturing Heroin (Also an Opiate) once it came to light that it was incredibly addictive, and being abused by both doctors and patients. OxyCodone was designed to have less of an immediate impact than Heroin, to prevent the sensation of a "rush" that Heroin addicts were craving.
    The drug has actually been in American Pharmacies since 1939. It is found in Percodan, Percocet, and a number of other aspirine and acetaminophen products.
    In 1995, Purdue Pharmaceuticuals, the manufacturers of various Oxy products including OxyContin, produced a higher-strength tablet.  Reports of abuse began filtering in.
    While OxyContin can be abused in its pill form, many people resort to crushing the pill and snorting it, injecting it, or taking it rectally. Once the outer coatings of the tablet are removed, the safeguards against the "rush" of the opiate affecting the user are nullified.
    It's not secret that people are over-medicated in this country. I know people who've stolen OxyContin from their parents, grandparents, neighbors, and houses they break into after determining the resident has "scripts." In fact, a local police department had one of their own officers arrested a few years ago when he kept going back to an elderly woman's house to "check on her" and she kept noticing her pills were missing.
     Then, there are people who obtain legitimate prescriptions, and sell them. Or they obtain NUMEROUS prescriptions and sell them. Who do they sell them to? The sad answer is "Everybody." The sadder answer is that normally it is young people interested in experimenting with drugs, but are wary of using anything "hard" like Cocaine or Heroin.
    In my personal opinion, to a normal person, it's psychologically abhorrent to snort something up their nose or shoot something up their vein. We've been pretty well indoctrinated as a society to find that unacceptable. However, you can't throw a rock without hitting someone who takes multitude of pills for a multitude of ailments. Lithium, Thorazine, Percocet, you name it. Lots and lots and lots of people are taking pills.
    But here's the catch: OxyContin is EXPENSIVE. I know people who paid as much as $60 per pill on the street for them. Considering a full prescription is approximately 90 pills, well, you do the math.
    Trouble begins when the addict gets really good and hooked on Oxy. Three a day, four a day, and the money starts getting tight. To an INDIVIDUAL the speech the addict then receives is this: "Why are you paying so much for Oxy? Heroin is the same high and it only costs $10 a bag."
    $10 a bag, about $140 a bundle. And, they probably don't begin by shooting it up. They snort it. At first, anyway. By that time, they've probably snorted Oxy already, so it is not that difficult for them to make the leap to snorting Heroin. Of course, that doesn't last long.
     Once Heroin has you on the hook, you are on a set date with the syringe. No doubt about it. There are people who can stave it off, just as there are people who can stave off being addicted to Oxy but not making the progression to Heroin, but by and large, they will be tying off and shooting up in no time.
    They shoot it up in their arms, legs, toes, genitals, and anywhere else they can find a vein. I saw a dead kid once who died of a Heroin overdose. He had a brand new tattoo on the inside of his arm, with trackmarks all located at the center of the tattoo. The poor parents never realized the kid got his ink just to cover up his addiction.
    You know what? I've taken Oxy. Got pretty well-thumped on it too.
    It was 2002 and I had just had all four wisdom teeth taken out. The oral surgeon prescribed me OxyContin for the pain. At that time, I had never heard of OxyContin. He told me to take two to four pills on regular intervals once the anaesthesia wore off. I went home, mouth STUFFED full of bloody cotton, and waited for feeling to come back into my jaw. It did, in flashing, aching, furious pain. I promptly took two of the pills and sat down to read.
    I remember the words began swimming. I couldn't concentrate. I no longer felt like reading. I tried to sleep but was too restless. I'm no expert at being "high", but if I had to relate it to anything, I'd say it was a "dirty" high.
    The next day I took only one of the pills when the pain became, again, hard to bear. After that I switched to OTC Tylenol and flushed the pills down the toilet. Shortly after that I began hearing more and more about Oxy and knew that I'd done the right thing.
    I ran into the doctor about a month later in Wawa, and he asked me why I hadn't been back to see him for a refill of the pills. I told him I'd only taken three and he got angry with me, telling me that it was silly to suffer and be uncomfortable. At the time, it probably seemed sensible to him to feel that way. At the time, I had no real way of backing up my belief that OxyContin was not good for me.
    Bear in mind, I'm not saying any of this to lay some, "Hey, I've been there, bro" trip on you. I would NEVER tell an Oxy addict that I could relate to his problem. It's a whole different animal. The first time they took Oxy they were probably surrounded by people they liked, in a fun atmosphere, that they can associate taking the pills with having a good time. I can only associate taking the pills with being in such crazy pain that I needed help.
    But, I've spoken with young men going through withdrawl from OxyContin. They had to hold trash cans under their chins so they could puke into them between sentences.
    I've spoken to girls who have sold their bodies for Oxy and Heroin. I'm not talking the crack whores you see on the streets. I'm talking young girls who gave their sex to old, sweaty, fat drug dealers just so they could get another fix. Believe me when I tell you that the drug world is one of ultimate depression. Someone addicted to opiates is amongst the living dead. You can smell it on them as easily as if they were rotting from within.
    And if you're wondering what this all means to you, I would guess that the national percentage of Theft cases (Including Burglary) that stem from Heroin addiction is at least sixty percent, if not more. Opiate addicts NEED to get high. They will steal the change out of cupholders in unlocked cars, and they often do.
    Or, on a personal level I could tell you that I know more people who have lost young loved ones to Heroin overdoses than any other thing combined. Car crashes, Homicide, Suicide, all of the other drugs you could possibly imagine.  Heroin takes the dead-kid cake.
    The thing that always surpises people is exactly how much Heroin is being taken today by young people. "I didn't know heroin was still around," they say. "There's Heroin in (Insert Town Name Here)?????"
    Yes, yes there is. In fact, there is a whole lot of it. You might even have some in your house.  In 2000, over 6.5 Million prescriptions to OxyContin were issued.
    In 2007, Purdue Pharma plead guilty to Felony charges that they PURPOSELY misbranded OxyContin as being less addictive, less subject to abuse, and less likely to cause withdrawl symptoms than other pain medications.
    6.5 Million Prescriptions. $60 a pill on the street.
    Ultimately, I can't prove my thesis, because it would require massive data and research that I cannot summon.  But mark my words, there will come a time when someone infinitely smarter than me does. You will soon see research supporting the Enemy Thesis that irresponsible manufacturing and distribution of OxyCodone has lead to a massive increase in Heroin abuse, and Heroin-Related crime.
    I can only hope that another group of people equally as smart as those much smarter than I will then put responsibility squarely on the shoulders of the executive of companies such as Purdue Pharma who would put our children's lives in the sewer for the sake of a buck.
Note: In 2010 OxyContin's forumalation was altered to make them tamper-proof in an attempt to (finally) curb their abuse. Any cursory search of the internet will reveal that users have been actively trying to defeat this counter-measure. In the meantime, they have moved on to other prescription medications including Percocet 30mg pills, OxyMorph, Morphine, and Heroin.
New drugs appear all the time, including an insideous new drug in Russia and Eastern Europe called Krokodil, an opiate that earns its name because it turns users skin into scales. Many users skin is literally eaten away until their bones are exposed, and they die within two to three years.
IF YOU ARE AN ADDICT PLEASE SEEK HELP.

The following is an excerpt from WHITECHAPEL: THE FINAL STAND OF SHERLOCK HOLMES
     I found vials of cocaine and morphine in his desk drawers and hidden between the pages of his books. I dumped them into the sewer, imagining thousands of rats were now feasting on his vicious powders, watching the gutters with red glowing eyes in hopes of getting more.
    One morning, Holmes woke and came out into the living room. The dark circles I had grown accustomed to seeing under his eyes were gone. His face was shaven and his skin had a new rosy tint, instead of its normally pale, sickly color. He smiled at me and sat in his chair, “Watson, I need to thank you. That was astoundingly kind of you to care for me while I was ill. I feel wonderful.”
     “It was my pleasure, Holmes. I am truly pleased to see you up and about. It has been weeks since I’ve seen Mary, and she is probably ready to end our engagement. Holmes?”
     He was scanning the mantle, then looking around the rest of the room. “Where is it, Watson?”
     "Where is what?”
     “Where is my Moroccan case? What on earth did you do with it?”
     “The case is safe. It is, however, empty.”
     “How dare you! What gave you the right to tamper with my property?” Holmes’s mouth twisted in rage and I seriously thought he might strike me.
     I stood, fists curled. Holmes was taller, but I was thicker. I dreaded the idea of being struck by one of his practiced boxing maneuvers, but was determined that should it come to blows, I would tackle him before he got the opportunity. Instead, to my surprise, Holmes collapsed at my feet sobbing. “You cannot do this, Watson! Please! I only need a little! Just enough to get me back on my feet, I beg you.”
      I helped him into his chair and wiped the sweaty hair from his forehead. “No.”

***

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New Monty Python Skit

2011-12-04T07:20:00.000-08:00

To understand this, read Neff: No Gay Change For The Salvation Army
And now, the Apiary Society proudly presents...

A NEW MONTY PYTHON SKIT

*John Cleese is the stoic Salvation Army bell-ringer, standing on a streetcorner. Graham Chapman is the hapless pedestrian passing by.

CLEESE(DING-DONG) Change for the poor, sir?

CHAPMAN

(Reaching into his pocket) What's that? Oh, right. Here you go, sir.

CLEESE(Looking down as Chapman drops the coins in the bucket and frowns) Ahem. What's the big idea? You've gone and given me some gay change.

CHAPMAN(bewildered)...Gay change?

CLEESERight! You know we don't accept gay change in these red buckets! Look at them, frolicking about...see how the one President stares longingly into the eyes of the other. There's even a huge gay estate on the back of this middle-sized silver one, just the kind of place these two love birds can go gay it up.

CHAPMANI don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.

CLEESEClean, Christian, Secular, non-homo erotic coinage for us soldiers of the Salvation Army only, sir. (DING-DONG) Change for the poor and unfortunate! Desperate, homeless children starving to death this Christmas.

CHAPMAN(Digging in his pocket) Oh, all right, let me see what I have here. Ah ha! Here's a Susan B. Anthony!

CLEESE(Frowning.) Don't see many of them. She a lesbian?

Note: Graham Chapman was gay, and a vocal spokesperson for LGBT Rights in the UK. He died of a rare form of spinal cancer in 1988. Luckily, he can still tour with the Pythons when they assemble, as his ashes are conveniently held in a very portable urn.


The following is an excerpt from the short story "Room Service" that appears in the WOMEN AND OTHER MONSTERS collection
            “I need to harness the power of the sun.”
            He considers me for a moment, then says, “Why?”
            “I’m trying to kill a vampire, but I can’t get him into the sunlight.”
            “Cool,” he says. He picks up a bottle of Vitamin D and rattles the pills around inside the container. “Here, give him a few of these. That should work.”
            I slide the pills back, “I can’t give him vitamins, dude. He doesn’t have a cold. I need the equivalent of real, raw sunlight.”
            “That is crazy.”
            “Can you help me or not?” Our eyes lock across the counter until he finally sighs and gets up from his seat. He tells me to follow him and leads me past aisles of brightly labeled products toward the back of the store. The shelves are filled with plants and roots marked with hand-written index cards.
            He whispers, “It’s madness to try and harness the power of the sun. What would you want to do with it, if such a thing were possible?”
            “Drink it, and force him to bite me.”

***

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Graves, Gunfighters, Bullets

2011-12-04T07:15:00.000-08:00

My old man once conspired to name me Wyatt. Apparently, what I would be called was such a hotly debated topic that my Mom got tired of fighting and made a concession. All involved parties (Godparents, Aunts, Uncles) were summoned to the house for a naming-contest of epic proportions.   Winner-Take-All. Even if it meant my mother's first born child would be stuck with the name Wyatt.
A hat was passed around amongst the guests, in which each deposited a piece of paper with the name of their choice written on it. My dad smiled hopefully as he wrote “Wyatt” on his slip and dropped it into the hat.
At the end of the party, and more than a few drinks, the time had come to declare a winner. Imagine my Mom's surprise when the winning slip read: Wyatt.
As she stood there, defeated, watching my Dad and Uncles celebrate their victory, she reluctantly agreed to allow her unborn baby to bear the name of a long-dead gunfighter she’d never even heard of. Out of morbid curiousity, she reached back into the hat just to see what the next choice would have been. That slip also read Wyatt. And so did the next. In fact, all of them did.
My old man rigged the election.
Wyatt Earp was no stranger to rigging things. In 1896 he was accused of rigging a boxing match that he'd agreed to referee and awarded a victory to Tom Sharkey after Bob Fitzsimmons beat him to a pulp. I'm sure Earp looked down from that great cattle ranch in the sky and smiled on my old man that day.
Thirty-Six years later, my beautiful fiancé advised me we were travelling once more across the country to visit her family in Fairfield, California. I promptly refused. It was the second time in less than six months that she wanted to go. There was a knock-down, drag out fight, in which I put my foot down and told her that under no circumstances was I going to cross the Mississippi River again. Period.
And then I found out that Wyatt Earp is buried in Colma, California.
Colma is only 60 miles from Fairfield. “Honey…” is how I started the conversation. “Sweetie cakes? Let me back in the house, ok? I was just thinking how much I love your family. I take it all back.”
Once she discovered my true motives for wanting to go she was surprisingly cool. We did what any good finder of graves would do, and Googled, “Find Wyatt Earp’s Grave.”  FindAGrave.com even provided helpful GPS coordinates.
We plugged in the address for Hills of Eternity Memorial Park and she fired the GPS coordinates into her iPhone, and we were soon flying down I-80 to visit my almost-namesake.
First off, 60 miles in California is not 60 miles like it is anywhere else. Particularly near that hellish pit of driving insanity known as San Francisco. By the time we made it onto El Camino Real I began looking for what I imagined would be the only cemetery at that location.
At 4 PM, dark was already beginning to set, and I found myself staring at a half-dozen cemeteries that were all stacked so close together that it was hard to decipher which driveway went into which never-ending row of tombstones and potted flower arrangements.
When we found the Hills of Eternity, it was closed. There was a big gate stretched across the front of it, blocking all vehicle access. The hoses were already stretched out across the cobblestones, ready to sprinkle founts of water at the graves.
But we had our GPS coordinates, and we’d come so far. Somehow, I imagined that Wyatt would be a little disappointed in me if I turned-tail and went home.
So we parked the car and ducked under the gate, heading purposefully for FindAGrave.com’s GPS coordinates. But it wasn’t there.
Other graves were. Rows and rows of beautiful and well-maintained tombs, shrines, and enormous mausoleums surrounded us in every direction, but no sign of anything that said “Earp.”
We broke out in different directions, searching by vector. Light was quickly diminishing. Rain was spitting periodically. The sprinkler hoses were firing up. No Earp.
After forty-five minutes of searching, I gave up. I began walking down the Hills of Eternity’s main strip back toward the rental car, trying to convince myself that it didn’t matter if I found the grave or not. I tried telling Wyatt why it had been important for me to come. I texted my fiancé to meet me at the car and that we were heading home.
Then my buzzed. It was a text from her that contained this photograph:
Love that girl.
When I found her, she was flagging me down and standing at a far end of the cemetery smiling. She took a picture of me with the grave, and said, “I’m going to give you a minute here. I’ll be back at the car.”
The Hills of Eternity is a Jewish cemetery that Josephine Earp’s family owned a few plots in. In keeping with that tradition, I found a round polished stone on the ground and placed it on top of the grave on her side. “Thanks for bringing him so close to Fairfield, Mrs. Earp,” I said.
I kneeled down at the grave and paused for a moment. Everybody who knew I was making this journey out here basically had the same question for me: Why was it so important for me to go see this dead man’s grave? Is it a cop thing? Do I fancy myself some sort of big-shot lawman too?
The truth is, at least as much as I can really explain it, is that I wanted to say thank you.
On March 18^th 1882, Morgan Earp was murdered in a Tombstone billiard hall for being a police officer who tried to enforce the local law. Morgan was a Deputy Sheriff, and men who murdered him were part of a criminal gang called The Cowboys.
On March 20^th, Wyatt and his friends started tracking down The Cowboys and making them account for what they’d done. The Earp Vendetta Ride took three weeks and totaled a body count that ranges between 4 and 15 men.
The reason I wanted to pay respect to Wyatt Earp isn’t because he’s an American icon or a famous lawman. It’s because he is a man, one of the few men I’ve ever known of, who did exactly what he said he would do. He is a man who stood up to evil and stamped it out. In this modern society of bullshit, politics, and corporate slavery, it makes me glad to know that there is someone I was almost named for who saw a fight coming and didn’t back down.
There was an American flag planted next to the grave. I wanted to scoop up some of the dirt to take home to my son, and as I was digging in the dirt, I touched something round and metal that I immediately identified as a bullet.
I pulled it out, hoping it would be an old .45 Colt Long that they carried back in his time. It was fully dark by then, and I lifted up the bullet to inspect it, frowning when I saw it was a newer round. Probably a 9mm, but I couldn’t be sure in the light.
“Hey!” I called out. “Come look at this.”
The rest of my search team was already back at the car, so I started walking with a handful of dirt in one hand and the bullet in the other, thinking how cool it would be to show them.
Then I stopped. Somebody had thought enough to bring this bullet to Wyatt Earp’s grave and stuck it in the dirt there for a particular reason. I might not understand it, but then again, I don’t need to. I went back to the tombstone and stuck that bullet back in as deep as it would go, covering it back up.
I figure Wyatt might need a bullet or two if he runs into Curly Bill Brocius on the other side. Plug his ass one more time for me, Wyatt.
As for me, and the rest of us, there is a lesson to be learned out there in Colma. Maybe the remains of a man who died in 1929 is all you’ll find and think nothing of it. Maybe you’ll see that if you stand up for something, even just once in your life, and make it count, people will never forget it.
I’ll never forget.
Thank you, Wyatt Earp. We’ll take it from here.
For more on Wyatt Earp, I recommend the following:

There are a massive amount of films dedicated to Wyatt and the shootout at the OK Corral. For my money, the best is Tombstone. Not only for Val Kilmer's portrayal of Doc Holliday, but the tiny historical details they managed to work into the film. WYATT EARP SPEAKS is compiled of various articles and stories about Earp, including the full transcript of his tesimony in a court case. Great book. TRUE TALES is not strictly about Earp, but is compiled of a series of stories from True West magazine. It has a few GREAT Earp-related things in it, and the other articles are simply perfect.

***

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Seeking Sergeant Schaffer

2011-12-04T07:11:00.000-08:00

I never knew this man.
The man I knew had a grotesquely large nose, and never wore anything other than a v-neck white t-shirt. He never went anywhere other than his kitchen table, which had a thick polyester covering burned with holes. He sat at that table day and night, listening to his old radio playing big band music. That is what I remember of him, on the twenty or so odd times that I saw him.
According to history, he was a war hero. We share the same first name. He is my grandfather, and this is his story.
     A great mystery has surrounded my grandfather's origins since 1918. Since that time, no one has been able to answer one fundamental question about my grandfather: Who was his father?
     Until now, that is. Today, in fact.
   In 1918, Bernard Samuel Schaffer was born in Philadelphia County to Nina Nieweg. That much has always been certain. Nina Nieweg married Levi Schaffer in 1920 and they had seven children together. At least, that's the way it's written, with Bernard always lumped in with the rest. Nina died in 1930 (Not surprising given the amount of children she produced in such a quick amount of time, with limited medical technology as it were), and it was at her funeral that the truth of my grandfather's lineage was revealed. Bernard had been born to Nina from another man, who had died in the 1st World War.
   I heard this story directly from my Great Aunt Marion, whom I had never spoken to before. She seemed very sweet over the phone telling me this story. I listened patiently to her, and all was well until I said, "Obviously, Bernard's parents never married."
   There was a long, dead silence on the other end. "What makes you say that," she finally whispered.
   "Well, her maiden name was Nieweg. When she married Levi Schaffer it was STILL Nieweg. What's the big confusion?"
   "I have to go," she said.
   I started talking fast, saying, "All I want is to find out what my grandfather's name was before he was adopted."
   "You can't, it's impossible."
   "Nothing's impossible," I said. "In fact, I think I've figured out how to do it."
   And the line went dead.  When I relayed that story to my father and uncle, they both grunted in understanding. It had been the same hushed taboo topic that they'd encountered for their entire lives. There were never any answers, certainly none from Bernard himself. Almost as if he did not really know.
     The citation on Technical Sergeant Bernard S. Schaffer's WW2 decoration of the Bronze Star reads that he pulled a fellow soldier free who had been buried by a direct shell hit. He did it under enemy fire. The citation reads that his leadership and "heroic achievement" entitled him to the award. My grandfather commanded a cannon group, sighting in the enemy and calculating their distance, then shelling them into non-existence.
     In Germany, he captured an SS Officer who was trying to hide. The SS Officer stripped off his uniform and tried to pretend that he was a simple German soldier, not one of Hitler's murderous stormtroopers. Apparently, ol' Bernie got the better of him, because he was allowed to take home the .45, field glasses, leather gloves, and camera that the Ratzi bastard tried to hide.
   In an article called "THE STORY OF THE LOST BATTALION" from THE STARS AND STRIPES published in 1944, there is a handwritten scrawl on page two that reads: "They didn't give our Co. any credit at all. Our Co. was the one who gave the supporting fire instead of the Field Artillery."
   It then reads, "But who the hell cares, they got out that's all that counts." Signed, "Bernie".
   On January 14, 1944, Bernard S. Schaffer married Ethel Nice. I found this picture of her.
As little as I know of my grandfather, this woman is a greater mystery to me. She died in 1965 of cancer. The story I always remember is my father telling me that he is the one who closed her eyes, and that his father yelled at him to "Get the hell away from her."
Bernard and Ethel had four children, two of whom were still very young. I cannot imagine the stress this caused. My father was only 13 at the time. I also cannot imagine the magnitude of his loss.
Recently, my dad said to me that he thinks his father went crazy after Ethel died. It's plausible. Maybe he was driven to such grief that the man he was, the man who dragged that dying soldier out of the mud and dirt while the nazi's were firing nonstop, was silenced. Life is hard. We all know that. It can do funny things to a man.
   Ethel looks like a gentle soul. I like the way she signed her name on the mortgage documents I reviewed for the house she bought with my grandfather. She made a cute little swirl with the E of her first name. There is an elegance there. A grace that is missing from my experiences with my side of the family.
   When I first got my driver's license, I remember going to visit my grandfather. He was sitting at his table, wearing his tee shirt. I walked in and he stared at me, surprised to see me. I sat, trying to talk to him. I still remember the smell of his kitchen. We did not have much to say to one another. It is one of the last times I saw him alive. I did not ask him any of the questions I would ask him now, because I did not know. He did not tell me any of the things I would have liked to hear because he did not think it was important.
   In August 1993, Bernard Schaffer died of Metastic Lung Cancer, leaving two Bernard Schaffers behind. The first, his son, his namesake, came into possession of nothing of his due to complicated family squabblings. Nothing except bitter memories. The second, his grandson, would not come into possession of anything that belonged to him. Not until recently.
     I tried looking up family records, adoption records, Army records, and anything else I could find, but no one could help me. Finally, I had a brainstorm and contacted the PA Department of Vital Statistics.  I gave his date of birth, where he was born, who his mother was, and what her date of birth was.  I requested all of the records they had for anyone matching that description, and I waited.  And waited. Then one day, out of the blue, a piece of mail arrived.
   It was my grandfather's birth certificate. His name, at birth, was listed as Bernard Samuel Nieweg. His mother's name, Nina, is listed beneath,with her date of birth as 21 years of age. Her birthplace is listed as Chester County, PA.
   Then, in glorious black print, is the name my family had been searching for since the early parts of the 20th century. A name that my dear Aunt Marion has wondered about since that funeral in 1930. A name I was told was impossible to find.
   Harry Gillingham. Birthplace: Unrecorded.
   Harry Gillingham. Age: 24.
   Harry Gillingham, by the looks of the birth certificate, not present for the birth of his little boy, Bernard. More than likely, already overseas fighting in WWI. Perhaps already dead.
   I can only guess how events transpired between Harry and Nina. But my guesses are born of observation and a keen understanding of the human spirt. And as neither of them is here to tell their own tale, I will tell it for them.
   I imagine that Harry Gillingham is a young, handsome man who meets Nina before he is due to report for duty in the war. They have a quick, passionate love affair, swearing loyalty to one another. Swearing that they'll marry as soon as he returns home. Just before Harry departs, Nina decides to surrender a part of herself to him that he will always remember. It is a decision made of love. A decision made of faith that he will return home to her safely.
   It does not happen that way. Harry is killed shortly upon entering theater of war. Nina, to her shock, is pregnant. When she delivers her baby boy in Philadelphia, she gives him a family name that has been passed down through the ages. Most recently, her parents had a son named Bernard who died early in life. The name has existed in the family since 797 when King Bernard of Itay, grandson of Charlemagne, took the throne.
It is my belief that when I die, I will go to the Hall of my Fathers. They will drink and feast and tell their tales. My grandfather will tell of capturing the SS Officer, and the man he rescued. My father will tell of the woman he saved from the roof of Horsham Clinic, and the countless bad people he put away.
   I will go before them and lay out my claim to be among them. I will tell them of the baby I delivered.  I will tell them of the rapist I caught in the act. I will tell them of the evil people I opened myself up to, darkening my own soul, only to capture them. They will grant me entrance and I will take my place at their table. Once there, I will find my grandfather, and I will tell him his true name. Perhaps together, we will find Harry Gillingham and invite him to our table. We will ask him to tell us of the woman he loved, and the child he never knew.
   It is my dream.




   The following is an excerpt from "Codename: Omega" a short-story appearing in the WOMEN AND OTHER MONSTERS collection.
     Major William J. Donovan opened his umbrella and headed into the cold, dark cemetery. Donovan made his way past rows of graves toward the peak of a hill where a man was standing looking down at a tombstone. Water cascaded off of every part of him.
     The hill was slick with mud, but Donovan made his way up it slowly to stand next to the man. He held his umbrella over their heads and looked at the names on the tombstones. “Technical Sergeant James Scott, beloved husband, killed in service to the United States.”   He looked at the name written next to that one. “Maureen Scott, beloved wife.”
     The man nodded but did not speak.
     “Why the hell they didn’t tell you, I don’t know, son,” Donovan said. “It’s a goddamn crime.” Donovan tried to warm up his hands. “Are you hungry?”
     The man shook his head.
     “How about a cup of coffee and a smoke?” Donovan said.
     “What do you want?”
     “Well. I came to ask for your help, James.”
     “If you try to put me in another laboratory, you’re a dead man.”
     “No more labs,” Donovan said. “All I have for you is an offer of hard work and danger. But it’s good work. The kind that makes a difference.”
     “I guess I could go for a cigarette.”
     Donovan pointed to his car down the hill. “I’ve got smokes in there. What do you say, James?”
     “Don’t call me that anymore. That man’s laying there in the ground next to his wife. Let him be.”
     Donovan shook his wet hair on the ground and sighed. “Those sons of bitches did a real number on you. Whatever you got out of this whole coming-back-to-life deal, I bet it wasn’t worth the price.”
     “Can you get me a new name?”
     “Son, I can get you five of them.”

***

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