Monday, February 11, 2013

Klaatu Barada Necktie, Mother Frakkers

Official Announcement Regarding Kindle All-Stars 
Project Title: FanaticFiction
Please Repost on All Available Social Media Channels

The Kindle All-Stars never sleep.  Never tire.  Never waver.  We're literary freedom fighters hunting through the jungles for new ways of destroying the system.  Well, we've got one.  And you're all invited to participate. 
From the very beginning, the KAS has been about bolstering the ranks of independent authors.  Well, I'd suggest the independent author movement has some roots in a dark little corner of literature that we don't talk about.  Fan Fiction.  
If the harsh machine of the publishing industry hadn't been so closed off, how many thousands of legitimate genre stories would have had a chance at existence?  Who among us has ever had a chance of seeing their Predator story idea be taken seriously?  I say, we've neglected our cousins, independent authors.  We've left them in the cold while we've prospered, but no more.  
El Presidente is reaching across the borders of our two lands to say, "We are one people.  Bring us your Batman and your Star Wars and your Doctor Who stories.  Bring us your Buffy the Vampire Slayer fiction!" 
Ladies and Gentlemen, the new KAS project will be the biggest Fan Fiction book ever created.  It will feature professional cover art, editing, and formatting.  It will be available for all eReader formats, including Kindle, Nook, iPad, and more.  
And it will be free.  
Let me say that again, it will be COMPLETELY FREE. We're going to give it away on forums, websites, blogs, torrents, and anywhere else it can be obtained.  
So, to the reading masses starving for worthy stories about their most beloved characters, we say, "We have heard your pleas, and help is soon to arrive.  Dark Knights and Federation Starships are enroute to your location as we speak." 
And to my old friends, the publishing industry.  The gatekeepers.  The border patrol.  The oh-so high and mighty elitists.  I say this: Klaatu Barada Necktie, Mother Frakkers.   


1. Entries must be submitted to between July 1st, 2013 and August 1st, 2013.  Do not send them earlier than that, or we might miss them.  
2. Send ONLY finished, edited, proofread manuscripts that are publication ready.  
3. Do not send queries.  Do not send ideas.  We do not give "permission" to write a story. If that's what you want to write, then do so and put your best into it.  We will not answer or comment on queries and you will be removed from the running.  No exceptions.       
4. All stories must be double-spaced 12 point Times New Roman on Microsoft Word.  
5. All stories must be fan fiction of a familiar and established canon.  What we are looking for is the BEST Batman/Star Trek/ Star Wars/Video Game Character, etc stories out there that would not have a chance to exist anywhere else.  
Absolutely no slash fiction, pornography, or childish BS.  Don't waste our time, or we will destroy you. 
6. Use the subject heading FANATICFICTION in your emails so they are easily identifiable.
7. Original stories only, written by the submitting author.
8. If you are in need of editing services for your story, email Laurie Laliberte at and beg her to take you on as a client.  To get an idea of what you're in for, read this.
9. By submitting your story you agree to allow it to be published, for free, without any remuneration.  This is a work of love for passionate fans of the genres only.
10. There's no word limit, other than the length of the story must be justified by its awesomeness.
11. None of these rules are negotiable.

PLEASE help spread the word by reposting this on any forums, social media, or other communities you are a member of.  You can contact me directly on Twitter @ApiarySociety if you have any questions. 

Copy and paste the following tweets to let others know.  Remember, there's plenty of room for good stories in this book so the more quality we bring to it, the better off the project will be.

Burning to tell the greatest  story of all time? Here's how: 
Attention  Officers!  We're looking 4 a few good  authors.   
We're looking for  stories, young Jedi.   
The biggest, boldest, greatest  book of all time. Do u want to be a part of it?   
 UNITE. We're taking  fanfiction to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL.   
 the Vampire fanfiction authors, have we got news for you.   

Now let's get to work.  This project is going to be huge.  
I remain, as always, faithfully yours, 
El Presidente 
Bernard Schaffer


  1. Right arm... and may the farce be with you... always.

  2. I am going to write one weird ass Super Mario Brothers story.

    1. The problem is that when Vitka, of all people, calls it "weird-ass," I expect the worst; as in incestuous gay porn involving mushroom usage, the rape of a princess by an evil turtle-monster, and the certain destruction of NYC (or at least two boroughs).