Hello folks. My name is Bernard Schaffer, and apparently I am the author of various printed works that you can currently find on Amazon.
What some of you may not know is that I recently woke up out of a coma.
There I was, at the regional office for the Heritage Foundation when disaster struck. I have no recollection of it other than to say that one moment I was calling my local Senator to demand less funding for useless elementary school Art and Music Programs when there was a bright flash of light, and it consumed me completely.
Over a period of the next two years, I was completely immobile and unconscious save for what doctor's have called a medical miracle. While I was comatose, I apparently engaged in the phenomenon known as: Parasomniac Fableizing.
I am here to tell you right now that I am a victim of this dreadful disorder.
Against my better nature, ye my own will and sense of decency, I have wrought works of "literature" (I say that sparingly) that make me horrified.
It was with great hesitation that I read some of these so-called books. The worst offender, by far, I am sure you already guessed.
Since the publication of Whitechapel: The Final Stand of Sherlock Holmes and the Gentlemen's Edition (which contains no profanity or gore but is STILL disgusting) readers have been divided into two camps. The barbaric horde who love it unfailingly and hail it as a masterpiece, and those loyal fans of Arthur Conan Doyle who have called it utter and complete dreck.
Obviously, I would like to cast my lot with the second group.
I personally am astounded that so many people could possibly buy and enjoy such garbage. Such filth. Such depravity. Let's take a look at some of the better, more insightful comments left by angered readers:
"Absokute Trash" - One star review by "HAM" who calls the book "A pornographic novel pretending to be a Sherlock Holmes mystery. It is absolute trash. I am surprised that the estate of Sir Artur Conan Doyle allowed it yo be printed."
"Not a Traditional Sherlock Holmes" - One star review left by Snisenn15 for the Gentlemen's Edition. "The Sherlock Holmes books by Arthur Conan Doyle have a certain spirit: of the triumph of justice over evil, of the exercise of the mind over physical violence. Written in a Victorian style, the books ignore most of the ugly reality of daily Victorian 19th century living, focusing instead on what is good and possible in any society, of well-meaning people trying and sometimes succeeding to overcome evil. Not so this book. This book revels in the ugly, in dysfunction, in the gross and sick and mean-spirited."
How absolutely true, you poor, poor thing. I am INCENSED that someone would dare not ignore most of all that "ugly reality." Bastard! If I had an inner child, I would throttle him immediately.
"Misrepresentation of a Holmes Pastiche" - Two star review by Daniel Schreiner. "It bears little if any resemblance to Doyle' writing in general, the SH canon or almost all published SH pastiche."
By the Gods...say it isn't so. Please do not tell me that I wasted everyone's time by writing something DIFFERENT than they'd already read a thousand times before. Formulas exist for a REASON, do they not? If people cease to unflinchingly ape the work of a centuries-dead author (Genius! I meant. I meant to say Genius!) and those who came in endlessly in his wake, we will have chaos.
Next thing you know, the terrorists win.
"Horrible Book" - One star review by Rent Ratman who says, "i got the sample and it was horrible. it was nasty and not like the REAL shirlock holms. just try the sample and you will see what i mean."
"A Far Cry from Conan Doyle" - One star review by J. W. Aughinbaugh, who says, "In truth,I have only read a little over forty pages but I think that's enough.There has been very little Holmes so far but quite a bit of a person I presume is the young Ripper,a boy who touches and smells the dripping innards of his sister when she is impaled on a fence and who engages in homosexual sex,the latter preoccupation driving the woman of the house to put make-up and the late sister's dress on him and then severely beat him.Sound like Conan Doyle to you? Me,neither."
YES. EXACTLY RIGHT. Do not actually READ this book because not only have you seen everything you could possibly need to judge it fairly in the first forty pages, you are absolutely qualified to leave a terrible review. I admire a person who reads a story sample and can do such a thing, I truly do.
And now, my personal favorite.
"Well Written, but Horrible Story Flow." - One star review by J.A. Clarke, who says, "The book is well written. I liked the sample, thats why I purchased it. The problem is, the author spends too much time on character development and little to move the story to make it compelling."
I hate character development. I despise it with a passion. My first criteria for any successful book is that they immediately do away with all the horribly boring stuff like characterization. Thank you for pointing that out.
As for all of you insane, deluded, blood-thirsty people who left Five star reviews and such glowing comments about the book, please immediately check yourselves into the nearest psychiatric facility. You are not fit to walk among normal, decent, respectable folks like us.
I would like to announce that my next book will be titled: "Winning Pinnacle Moves" followed up by "Fun Tea Parties For Your Favorite Tea Party Members."
Oh God. I think I feel that bright light coming on again.
Before I go, please look below for some of my ACTUAL recommendations for books that will enrich your life instead of the normal garbage that my other-self tends to suggest: